


The Shepard Vega Chronicles

by Abstract1106



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Drama, F/M, Romance, shega
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-16
Updated: 2013-01-16
Packaged: 2017-11-25 16:40:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 43,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/640957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Abstract1106/pseuds/Abstract1106
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shepard routinely accomplishes the impossible, but she's haunted by her past. Can Lt. Vega help her understand the possibilities of her second chance at life? Definite spoilers, alternate ME3 ending. An intense, dramatic, slow-building romance. Strong language and WAY-more-than-suggestive content.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Teamwork

**Music:**

**_This Means War_ , We Are Scientists**

**I've been counting down the days until you notice**  
There's a right way and a wrong way to approach this  
But I'm not stupid, despite how it seems  
And you can't do this, if I'm not listening

****For the complete playlist to both stories set up on Grooveshark, please check my profile.****

_Bioware owns these characters._

* * *

**The Citadel**

James had been furious at having to leave Earth - no, at being _forced_ to leave Earth. He always aimed for the biggest fight, and this one was on his home, no less.

The only thing that had made being stuck on Earth bearable at the time was being able to keep company with Commander Shepard. He had a feeling that wherever she went, there wouldn't be a fight long behind. He'd been ready for anything - Batarian spy rings and terrorists, mostly, but there was also dissent amongst some humans against Shepard, none of which came to pass.

He also had a thought, before he started to get to know her, that she might try something. He hadn't known her long before he knew that wasn't going to happen. She was career military all the way, just like him. She wanted her command back more than anything, so she jumped through all the hoops they threw at her.

The tribunal had been grueling for her from the very first day, and he soon sympathized with her more than anything. He noticed that no one but Anderson came to visit her. Scuttlebutt said that many were afraid to be associated with her until her name was cleared. Cowards. He did his best to keep her spirits up by joking around and flirting, bringing her books and playing cards with her.

Then there was the day they took her ship away. She just sat there on the couch for hours, staring at nothing as the sun went down behind her in her fancy prison. She didn't talk. He had been there with her for several months already, so he knew she wouldn't confide in him, or anyone else. She never burdened anyone with her concerns. He respected her for that.

Despite that respect, he had blamed her at first for taking him from the fight on Earth. At the time, he had taken it as a personal insult to his integrity as a soldier that he should be ordered away, and that after a six-month _guard duty_ stint. It had been just a few weeks since then, but now, as he walked into the docking area where refugees were camped out, he realized that he wasn't so sure he wanted to find transport back to Earth. It wasn't that he didn't want to go back; it was that he wasn't positive he wouldn't be able to do more for the people back home by serving on the _Normandy_. But he wasn't quite certain, and James Vega didn't make choices halfway.

He found the disreputable card table he frequented while on the Citadel and settled down, exchanging grunted greetings with the other miscreants there. He did his decision-making better when doing something his _madre_ would have disapproved of. It was an old habit that had worked well for him in the past. Most of the time, anyway.

"Hey Vega," a grizzled veteran said, dealing him in. "Ante is fifty creds. Hear you're on the _Normandy_ now?"

He picked up his cards and tossed in a few chits. "For the moment. Don't know if I want to stay there though."

The veteran nodded in agreement, "Can't say I blame you. Ship always ends up in the shitter, and that Commander leads them right to it."

James' temper flared. "You watch your mouth. She saved _your_ worthless fuckin' life." The old man put his hand up in apology. He didn't want to get in a fight with Vega.

Sitting there for an uncounted length of time, the crowds around him began to impress on his consciousness. The teenaged human girl checking again and again to see if her parents had come for her; the groaning Turian troops, waiting for medical care; the usual shysters on the fringes, looking for ways to skim off the top of any assistance provided to these unfortunate people. He wondered how much it was like Earth right now, wherever people were running to escape the Reapers.

He still didn't know if he should go back to the _Normandy_. He was several hundred credits up when the answer came to him. It happened when he lost a big hand.

"Don't lose those clothes too, Vega. They're Alliance property. It'd be such a shame to have to take you back to the ship in your skin." A voice came from behind him.

Most of the heads at the table turned to see who spoke. A few eyebrows raised when they saw a beautiful, slightly built human woman in uniform standing there, her mouth twisted wryly as she looked down at Vega, slouching in his seat.

"I was doing fine until you came by. You're killing my mojo, Lola."

"Am I now." He looked up to see a look on Shepard's face that made his neck get hot - a look which quickly passed. "I'll leave you to it then. We're pulling out in a few hours. If you're staying with the _Normandy_ you might want to get any supplies you need now." She looked at him for a few moments before adding, "Enjoy your game, boys," to the table and walking away. Several heads pivoted to watch her go.

"She doesn't look like the typical military type." The veteran said, looking at Vega as he folded. "She sure seems to like you."

"I guess." The game continued in silence for a few moments. "Doesn't look like she could be such a great soldier, does she? Guess looks are deceiving."

"That was Commander Shepard?" An ancient krogan to his left grumbled in surprise. Vega nodded without looking up.

The veteran whistled. "Why do the ones that look like that always lead to trouble?" he asked rhetorically.

James played a little longer while his head ticked over this new information. The _Normandy_ finds the shitstorms. Trouble follows her. _She sure seems to like you_.

Two hours later, James was back on board the _Normandy_ , on his way to Eden Prime.

* * *

**Eden Prime**

The shuttle ride was smoother than Shepard had expected. Liara had worry etched on her normally serene features, which colored her remarks as they explained the previous mission to Eden Prime to James. The intel they had received said that Cerberus had taken over part of the colony, and rumors of coercion and sleeper agents - typical for Cerberus.

"I heard Saren had the whole place rigged to blow last time you were here." James prompted them. This was the part of this team he had immediately appreciated: getting first-hand stories from all those battles he had been so frustrated to miss. He had seen plenty of action, but nothing like this crew had experienced.

"Not on my watch." Shepard's determination showed as she watched them approach the landing site over Cortez's shoulder.

"Damn straight, Lola." James nodded, appreciating her tone. This had been the other part of his choice to stay; the opportunity to follow her into battle. He was already getting worked up, knowing that wherever she went, a tough fight wouldn't be far behind. If there was a third reason, he wasn't admitting it yet.

"There are survivors elsewhere on the colony, but they killed everyone near the dig site." Liara said, sadness tinging her voice. She could have easily been one of those archaeologists. Shepard turned and put a hand on her shoulder in comfort as the shuttle's engines began to slow.

The shuttle landed relatively close to the dig site, the seeming calm of the landscape belying the certainty of action yet to come. They crept closer to the quiet site, remarking on how different colony life was to ship life, especially during wartime. "You can always find another ship," Shepard commented.

"But you'd still remember." Liara, always looking right at the emotional heart of things, plucked at Shepard's heartstrings for a moment. But she declined the subtle invitation to dwell and kept her mind on the mission. Her team depended on her.

Ignoring James while he teased Liara about her work, she entered the first prefab dwelling, checking the datapads and consoles for open credits. She didn't even feel a twinge of guilt about this like she used to, knowing that these colonies were supported by insured corporations that would make up for the loss. She needed the funds to fight the people who did this to them, and the Alliance didn't tax colonies until they were self-sufficient. The symbiotic relationship was balanced in the end.

The search turned up more than they bargained for: a cryogenically frozen Prothean had been discovered at the dig site. Activating the elevator to the dig, it rose with the casket-like shape in the middle. _What a weird place to keep it_ , Shepard thought, figuring it was probably booby-trapped or something. It wouldn't stop her from claiming this artifact, though; a Prothean could help them figure out the Crucible.

They didn't know how to open the life pod, but Liara discovered on the nearby terminal that there was some Prothean data somewhere on the base, and Shepard began examining the buildings on the far side, looking for a likely place to start looking for it. They discussed the different possibilities while she scanned the area with her omni-tool.

James was barely listening anymore. The short hairs were pricking on his neck the way they always did right before a firefight. His adrenaline began to pump as his eyes scanned the camp around them, still too quiet. That's why he was the first to notice the incoming shuttle. "Heads up!"

Rushing to cover, they made short work of the two Centurions and the Nemesis that dropped to the prefab roof ahead, Shepard overloading their shields one at a time and signaling the others to finish them off while she lobbed a lift grenade over the crate. The resulting explosion tossed their suddenly limp bodies aside like rag dolls. Without missing a beat, Shepard ran through the remaining smoke toward the next building. James followed right behind her, Liara checking their flank as they ducked into the nearby building.

Through the back door, they made their way around the back of the compound, clearing the maze of buildings efficiently. In the far back corner they were bogged down for a few minutes before they could pick off the turret and most of the squad hiding there. Liara swung around the other side of the last building, obviously sheltering a few more Cerberus agents, to camp out under the window there while Shepard and James headed for the side facing the sun.

James followed her to the open side window, smoothly pulling his enormous frame up the crates next to her and squatting underneath the window sill. One of the Centurions inside had dropped a smoke veil, so Shepard had Liara toss a singularity inside while they waited patiently for it to clear.

She looked over at James, who was barely breathing heavily, watching as his eyes flickered between the far side of the buildings across from them and the sill above. He was hyper-aware, in his element.

"Having fun?" she asked.

"Beats guard duty. Well," he amended, eyeing her up and down. "Most guard duty, anyway."

She grinned and leaped over the sill without warning, hitting the floating Centurions with an overload so she could finish them with a few businesslike headshots with her pistol before he could pull himself in beside her.

"Aw, man! You didn't save me any."

"Quit whining, _pendejo_. You'll get yours." Hand on hip, her explicit tone and look implied other meanings, lifting his mood even further, but Shepard immediately regretted the words. Their teasing routine had helped her pass the time on Earth, but she was finding it difficult to break the habit now that she was back in business. It was almost as if she couldn't help herself with him. She internally chided herself for the slip, trying to put her game face back on. _This is how good soldiers get killed,_ she told herself. Hadn't she learned anything from her father's mistakes?

Liara came in through the front door and Shepard began to walk toward the back, nonchalantly stepping over the bodies as they floated gently to the floor. "Good work, Liara, James. Let's see what else is here."

In the next room, Shepard found a console with some unusual code. Upon activating it, she abruptly experienced what appeared to be a replay of the last stand of the Protheans. Creatures in unfamiliar armor, fighting husk-like versions of themselves with biotic powers she had never seen before. She watched them fall – all but one. The action seemed to center around this alien, who punched out a pattern on a life pod before opening it.

She turned to the others when the replay ended, and they stepped back at the glow of green shining from her eyes. "I think I can duplicate that."

"You understood that?" Liara was surprised. She began to draw some scientific conclusion about Shepard's Prothean beacon experience, but James tuned it out, using the time instead to pop his heat sink and stock up on ammo from the stash nearby. He was there for the fight, not for the nerd-speak.

"Looks like Cerberus found more data, but it's being kept somewhere else. Let's keep looking," Liara suggested.

James took point into the next building, where they discovered a gruesome scene: A squad had been gunned down in their leisure time. They hadn't even had time to grab their weapons.

"Shit, this was somebody's _home_." James said.

"Perhaps," Shepard said, checking the windows. "But they were in full armor, so they should have been on their guard. Sloppy." She had plenty of compassion for these poor souls, but she didn't feel pity fools who didn't watch their backs, especially when there was widespread information about an upcoming Cerberus coup.

They found the other console in the next prefab, this time James stepping closer to Shepard when she went into the trance after entering the execute command, curious to see what happened to her. Her eyes glowed green and she went… somewhere else. _Wonder what she's seeing?_ he thought. Strange things happened wherever she went.

She came to abruptly, saying she knew what to do, and ran out before they could react. They followed, running to catch up as she raced back towards the platform.

They didn't get far, another shuttle dropping a handful of Engineers and a Guardian in their path, then again when they neared the bridge, which Cerberus had retracted. They all took some damage as they tried to get behind the Guardian's shields. Liara hit it with a singularity, which it agilely sidestepped, prompting Shepard to slam it with a biotic throw over and over while James chipped away at the soft parts that showed when it fell back. He whooped when he pulled off a headshot right between the slot of the Guardian's shield. Shepard pounded his back in approval while Liara picked off the last soldier with her sidearm.

James was just starting to breathe heavy when he saw the Commander storm across the lower ledge under the bridge and vault up the ladder to the other side, even though there were no enemies in sight. "Hitting your stride, Lola?"

Liara shook her head in disbelief, trying to keep up. "She was always like this, even before Cerberus strengthened her biotics."

"Come on, come on!" Shepard chanted, waving them up to the roof. Jacked from the combat, she slid across the ventilation ducts and down the other ladder, evidently enjoying herself tremendously.

Activating the life pod was the easy part. Taking care of the squads and Mech that dropped right after was a little trickier. Liara went down and Shepard almost did too, when two Cerberus troopers flanked her while she attacked the Mech suit. The habitat she had been using for shelter was rocking with missile fire and Shepard began to think she'd made a rookie mistake, but James heard her grunt of pain. He ran into the building to cover her while she healed up and let her finish the Mech off. She glanced at him as the dust settled, thinking that he fit right in with her fighting style.

His ears ringing, James howled as he stepped into the sun, spirits high, assault rifle at his shoulder. This was like no other team he'd been on. He was glad he had decided to stick with the _Normandy_. He'd had the feeling that that ship would take him right into the thickest part of the action, and he'd been right. They were stealing the last Prothean from Cerberus, so he knew this was just the beginning of the action.

But he hadn't counted on her. Oh, he'd heard the stories, even seen a hint of this on Mars. But Eden Prime proved it. She was like a female version of him, only smarter, more levelheaded. He liked her more and more all the time. He had always approved of the way she dealt with the politicians, but she was so small (at least compared to him) that it had been difficult to picture her in combat. The reality: she was a _beast_.

The Prothean, Javik, was a bit of a surprise. He talked down to Shepard and Liara, which immediately got James' back up. He also refused to shake the Commander's hand, even though he doubtless knew what it meant from the mind link they had shared.

All in all, James thought the Prothean was… kind of a dick.

When they left the shuttle back on board the _Normandy_ , he held her back. "We gonna do that again soon, Shepard?" He was still breathing heavily, his shoulders noticeably lifting his armor as he leaned in toward her. She couldn't immediately respond for some reason.

Garrus, his rifle and the cleaning kit under his arm, laughed loudly from the other side of the cargo bay. "No worries there, rookie. We'll chase the action to the edge of the galaxy and back again."

"You did good today, James. I'll have to bring you along next time." Shepard finally said, pulling off her helmet. She flashed a quick smile at him and walked toward the lift. He watched her go, admiring the way armor somehow made her look more feminine, more shapely.

"You okay?" Garrus asked.

"A little amped right now. Always get like that after a fight." His said, still looking.

Garrus followed his gaze and shook his head. "... and another one bites the dust. Good luck with that. I've heard that cold showers can help humans in your – ah – situation."

James blinked and looked at him. The lift door had closed. "Huh?"

"Never mind."

* * *

_Thank you for reading! Let me know what you think in a review, and read on!_


	2. Answers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James discovers more about Shepard from the people who know her best.

**Music:**

**_Eyes on Fire_ , Blue Foundation**

**I'm taking it slow**  
Feeding my flame  
Shuffling the cards of your game  
And just in time  
In the right place  
Suddenly I will play my ace  


_Bioware owns these characters._

* * *

**Port Observation Lounge, one week after Eden Prime**

The nightly poker game was winding down. The older squad members had decided to show up – Garrus, Liara (evidently she and Faron had played a bit on the Shadow Broker Base) and Ashley had all joined in, along with the usual rabble from the cargo bay and armory.

James looked around at the assembly and asked, "Where is Shepard? I've been here a few weeks but she's never joined in."

There were a few heads shaking as Garris answered, "Shepard doesn't play. Never has – or not with us, anyway." He tilted his glass back, finishing off the brown liquor.

James had a look of disbelief on his face. She had played with him plenty of times back on Earth. "Seriously? Not once?"

"No. I guess it isn't her thing. She's completely devoted to the work. Well," the Turian tilted his head to the side in contemplation, "she used to be a little more laid back, before she died. But I can see how that would change a person. And we can't argue with the results."

Murmurs of agreement went around the table as Joker dealt a fresh hand. "So when does she kick back? You know, cut loose? Everybody needs a little Rec now and then." James' curiosity was piqued.

Ashley leaned forward, looking at him like he was crazy. "You've seen her cut loose. You've fought with her, Vega. Think about it."

He considered this. She did tend to go full-out on the field. But then, so did he and he didn't have a problem enjoying down time. "I see what you're saying, I guess. What was she like before she… you know…?"

Liara spoke with feeling. "In many ways she's just the same. Brilliant, devoted, fearless. She's a little more distant now, I think. She was as dead as was possible, floating in space for almost three weeks before they found her. To come back from that… I don't know how she does it, but I'm not surprised. She's the only one who could and stay sane."

They were quiet for a somber moment when Traynor chirped up. "Is the story true about Tuchanka?"

Garrus laughed. "You mean Grunt's thresher maw?"

James gaped. "That's _true_? I thought it was a rumor!"

Garrus slowly shook his head. "What a crazy day that was. Some Krogan shaman tells Grunt he needs to go through a grueling coming-of-age test, and _of course_ Shepard insists we go along. I think, okay, some serious fighting. We can handle that. But Shepard gets this odd look in her eye and runs back to the armory, asking us to stay put.

"Sure enough, after a few rounds of the usual toothy beasts and Krogan nasties, an enormous thresher maw leaps out of the ground and starts spitting at us. Grunt and I jump to cover, afraid our armor will disintegrate -"

"Wait, weren't you at least in the Mako?" Traynor asked.

Joker laughed loudly, throwing his head back. "Are you kidding? We're talking the first test of manhood for a _krogan_. They were on foot."

"On foot." James' astounded tone was echoed by the rest of the table, cards practically forgotten.

Garrus nodded and continued. "We all dive for cover, like any intelligent being would do, but Shepard runs ahead, taking an acid hit full in the face while she pulls out a Cain. She lets it load, dodges the next acid attack, and fires. Next thing we know, that whole side of the arena is rubble and Shepard is tumbling, ass over shoulders, down the opposite stairs."

"She killed a thresher maw _by herself_ , on foot." James said, astonishment still in his voice. Garrus nodded, still chuckling.

"She's a legend to the Krogan now. Actually, I'm surprised she survived that at all. She was only, I don't know, thirty yards from the maw when it went up. But," he shook his head, finally looking at his cards, "she's a pretty tough broad."

"Fuckin' A." James said. He was seriously impressed. It sounded like the kind of thing… well, the kind of thing he'd try to do. Only he wouldn't have thought to bring the Cain. "Did she know beforehand? About the thresher maw?"

"I'm not sure. Maybe. But still, to stand right in front of a thresher maw and pull the trigger on a Cain?"

Not long after that, the others had cleared out - all but Garrus and James. They sat bonding over tumblers of whiskey on the long couch, watching the stars.

James shook his head, flexing his fingers around the rapidly warming glass in his hand. "Why doesn't she let anyone close to her? From what I can tell, she's constantly being propositioned by crew members and passing dignitaries from almost every sentient species."

Garrus' mandables fluttered as he nodded his head. "I thought about that too. Hell, even I gave it a shot not too long after joining the squad."

"Seriously? What did she do?"

"Exactly what you might think. She told me to prove my loyalty through service. She's completely devoted to her command, has been ever since she got the _Normandy_. Ashley can tell you, she knew her before too. I think she might have had a passing fling with Kaidan before he died. Didn't hesitate when the choice had to be made on Virmire.

"She took me on most of her missions after that. We make a good team. It's amazing, the kinds of things I've seen her accomplish." He chuckled. "There was this asteroid we raided once where Batarian terrorists..."

James interrupted. "But that doesn't explain the way she treats me. She's different with me. Hell, she's played poker with me."

Garrus nodded again, remembering her expression the other day when he had passed her leaving the cargo bay. Her head was down, laughing in a way that he had never seen her do before. She hadn't even noticed him when he passed, she was so lost in her thoughts. She had been sparring with James. "Yes, I think I can answer that for you, at least."

James sat forward in the curved sofa, listening intently, leaning one massive arm on his knee. The ice clinked restlessly inside his glass.

"You've seen how she is with those under her command. She's comfortable doing this work, and she loves it. The danger, the snap decisions, the camaraderie. There's a balance to command, and she's one of the rare few that naturally _gets_ it. In the Turian culture, she would have been picked up for advanced training in grade school. She knows instinctively the way to maintain a balanced command.

"But you," he said, pointing one narrow finger at him across the back of the sofa where his arm was slung, "...you weren't under her command on Earth. You were there for her when they took away the _Normandy_ , and you didn't try to pick up the broken pieces for her like some would have. You just stuck around, didn't make any demands of her or force her confidence. And unlike some of the older crowd around here, you didn't ask her to help fix the regrets of your past once she had her ship back. You have the same kind of baggage that she has, and you deal with it in the same way. She doesn't need to be larger than life with you. You're probably the first person to put her in that position since she got her command."

He took a quick drink and went on. "I don't know any specifics about the time she spent on Earth, but I'm guessing you saw her in a more vulnerable position than she's experienced in a long time. I'm also guessing that you didn't take advantage of her vulnerability by trying to attach yourself, to get closer and make her dependent. She would view that as a weakness for enemies to exploit, and she would push you away."

"Maybe," James said, not wanting to reveal anything. Garrus bobbed his head knowingly.

There were a few heartbeats of silence. Then James asked, "Do you think she'll ever..."

"No. Not while there's fighting to be done. And as you and I know, there is _always_ a fight somewhere."

James snorted, wryly twisting his mouth in agreement. "What was that you said about Batarian terrorists before? What miracle did she pull off that time?"

Garrus stood up, picking up his glass to take to the galley. "Not much of one, really. Just talked a Batarian cell leader into betraying his boss and leaving the asteroid without killing anyone else. Then she stopped the asteroid from crashing into a planet and killing everyone. Same as any other day, really. I'm not even sure why I brought it up." He chuckled, enjoying the widening of his friend's eyes as he walked away.

The revelations of the night had put James in a rare reflective mood. He remembered one day not too long after he met her, back on Earth…

* * *

**_Earth_ **

_Anderson entered Shepard's quarters in a good mood, for once. "I have news." He said._

" _What, they changed their minds and decided to let me do my job?" She was sitting at her window, looking bored. As usual._

" _No, but I've secured permission for you to go to the practice range."_

_She jumped up, giving a little bounce of excitement just as James walked in. He halted, surprised by her unusual response, until her heard the direction of the conversation._

" _Target practice! Yes! I was worried I'd start losing my edge in this goddamn cell."_

_He snorted. "Some cell." It was better than his bunk in the barracks._

" _Come on!"_

_They made their way down to the range, next to the gym, and James reflected on the last few weeks while Shepard energetically bounded down the final steps. He hadn't known what to expect – or what he was guarding, when it came right down to it. Seeing her and finding out who she was hadn't been anything like he could have imagined._

_For one thing, she had a slight frame, though it was obvious she led a very active life by the way her muscles cut in all the right places. Her fair skin was inappropriately freckled for the greatest soldier of their time. Her large, brilliant eyes had stared him down dryly from the corner of the dark holding room when they met. The moment she opened her mouth, though, he knew he'd like her._

"Just gonna stare, soldier? Or do you talk?"

_Now she was running three steps at a time up to the cement bunkhouse that housed the range, but she didn't stop at the armory. "Commander? Don't you want to…?" he asked, gesturing to the man behind the bulletproof glass._

" _Not now, James. I've got an itch I need to scratch."_

_His eyebrows almost reached his mohawk at this and she walked into the range without looking to see if he was following. But there was no way he was missing whatever she was going to do._

_She skipped the narrow firing ranges and went directly to the elevator underground, to the munitions range. He stood apprehensively beside her, leaning away from the agitated way she hopped on the balls of her feet. He was reminded of the way his little cousin Maria had looked when waiting in line for cotton candy _at the carnival.__

_The door swooshed open and she practically ran out, eyeing the lights on the wall for an open range. At the end of the long hall, a green light glowed like a beacon of hope. An impossibly large grin appeared on her face and she literally ran down the hall to smack her hand in the reservation pad. She bounced her head impatiently while it scanned her handprint. She laughed out loud as the door opened, grabbing a pair of earplugs and pushing them in as she went._

_They entered the cavernous room, their footsteps echoing. He put in his earplugs as she moved to the center of the room. What the hell was she going to do?_

_She stood with her back to him, facing the tiny targets several blocks away. Her head stayed down for a moment, feet together. She sniffed, then slightly crouched with her legs apart, bracing for… what?_

_The hair on his arm stood on end, and he smoothed it without thinking about the action._

_She moved suddenly, lightning crackling around her as she threw the targets down with biotic force. Again and again, hardly taking a breath between, she knocked them down as fast as they popped up. She growled in what seemed like frustration and the concrete pylon at the end of the hall blew up as she warped it into dust. This continued for a few minutes as James watched, mouth agape. A few minutes later, all of the targets (and some of the target machinery) were smoking piles of sizzling rubble._

" _Fuck!" she finally screamed, throwing her hands in the air. A few final arcs of blue energy coursed from her arms into the ground. "Fuck, fuck, fuck!"_

" _What?" he asked, bewildered. Evidently the itch was still present._

" _It's not even fun! Why, WHY I am I stuck groundside while the Reapers advance? I'm getting rusty, soft, why didn't they leave me…" she had marched in a circle during her little rant, then stopped. Moments passed. She was facing him, but she didn't see him. Her eyes were empty. It gave him the creeps, seeing that look on her delicate features._

_James tilted his head, trying to catch her eye. "Commander? You in there?"_

_Her eyes focused slowly. She seemed a little calmer, but he wasn't sure. Then she tilted her mouth in a half smile. "Care for a little hand-to-hand, big guy?" Her fingers wiggled suggestively._

_He wanted nothing more, but – "Um, I think you need some time to chill, Commander. I've seen you biotics go fuckin' nuts when you're not in control of your feelings." And what the hell was that vacant stare about? No way was he sparring her right now._

" _Hmmph." She eyed him up and down in a way that made his hair stand on end again – in a good way. "What - a - shame." She said each word slowly as she brushed by him out of the room._

Damn _, he thought, fixated on her as he followed her back to the armory upstairs. She had evidently decided not to miss out on a little target practice, which suited him fine._ Tough and hot. Fuckin' Lola.

* * *

They hadn't actually sparred until they boarded the _Normandy_. That had been interesting. Words were said. She'd knocked him down. He was looking forward to doing it again.

He stood up and left the observation lounge, making his way back to the cargo bay. He had a little time for a workout before he sacked out. Plus, all this thinking was uncharacteristic of him. James Vega was a man of _action_.

Shepard was on the lift already when the door opened, the Engineering level lit on the panel. She gave him a tight smile as he stepped inside.

"Hey Commander, can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Why don't you ever play cards with the crew? You played with me back on Earth."

She gave him a look that surprised him – like he'd crossed a line he hadn't known existed. "Do you have command experience you haven't told me about, Lieutenant? Maybe something they left out of your files? Because last time I checked, the way I associate with my crew members was _my_ business."

He held his hands out in front of him like he was holding her back. Evidently crew fraternization was a touchy spot. "Okay, okay. No need to get your panties in a twist, Lola. Though," he leaned forward conspiratorially, putting his hand over her shoulder on the wall behind her with a wide grin, "if you find that's a problem, I do have experience in _that_ department."

She shoved him away, trying not to smile as she ducked under his arm. The door opened at the Engineering level and she stepped out, ignoring the way her heart pounded, just like on the battlefield. She had plenty of practice with it and didn't feel threatened at all.

But the hairs on the back of her neck pricked when she realized she hadn't heard the door shut behind her - he was probably watching her walk away.

He was. For his part, James was worried that she was getting under his skin, for real. But if any woman did, it might as well be Commander Shepard, savior of the galaxy. That thought cheered him up instantly. No wimpy, clingy maidens in distress for James Vega, thank you very much. Shepard definitely fit the bill. He'd love to fight alongside her, but she could defeat the dragon without his help.

He chuckled as he took his hand off the door and it slid shut. "On foot." He muttered.


	3. A Minor Mission

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard, Vega and Garrus answer a distress call at Grissom Academy and James gets a souvenir.

**Music: Symphony of Destruction _,_ Megadeath**

**The earth starts to rumble**  
World powers fall  
A warring for the heavens  
A peaceful man stands tall

_Bioware owns these characters._

* * *

**Grissom Academy**

James and Garrus boarded the shuttle to the academy, nodding at one another. _This is going to kick ass_ , James thought. Shepard was checking her mods quickly, adding a heat sink to the new particle beam rifle that Javik the Jackass (that's how James thought of him, anyway) had provided. She took a running leap into the shuttle, pounding on the wall to the cockpit when she was on board.

He was beginning to understand her routine. She worked like a madwoman to find the next engagement and to make sure her intel and team were solid, then she took all of that tension and pent-up energy and dove into the fight head first.

Yep, there was no way around it. He really liked her.

"Thanks for bringing me along, Commander," he said. He meant it.

"For this one, I need my bulldogs. Expect biotics and lots of Cerberus agents."

"Is there any other kind of fight?" James said.

"Not these days," Garrus replied as the shuttle swerved out of the cargo bay.

"Joker, we're ready for your diversion," Shepard said into her mic. They watched the _Normandy_ dive away from the shuttle with the cargo bay door still closing, the dozen or so fighters surrounding the school swarming after the sleek ship. Cortez made contact with Kaylee Sanders, an Alliance soldier on the inside, who released a secondary dock to them as they slipped closer, invisible to sensors in their stealthy shuttle.

A quick firefight inside cleared the way to the security office where Sanders was trying to get a grasp on the situation. She patched them into her comm and opened the next door. "You need to get to Orion Hall. That's where the biotic students are. A teacher is with them."

 _It's just like Cerberus to kidnap kids_ , Shepard thought. _No way is this happening today._

Through two instruction halls, they battled through heavy resistance. _Christ, I hate those smoke veils_ , Shepard thought. She fell back on her old standard and tossed a few grenades in, figuring there would be a weapons cache to stock up later on. She felt a brief twinge of regret that she hadn't brought along Liara, whose biotics would have come in handy, but – she flickered a look at her boys and felt a flush of pride. No, this was the team she wanted.

They redirected a few students they passed to the security office and came to Orion Hall just in time to see her old squad member Jack defending a group of kids. Shepard had just enough time to notice that she was mostly clothed and had hair (!) before an Atlas ducked into the hall. Of course.

It was a harder fight than she expected and she was beginning to regret bringing the particle rifle. Unlimited ammo was nice, but when the damned thing overheated it almost melted through her suit glove. She was forced to manually eject the heat sink every time, and it didn't stop unless she took her finger off the trigger. It didn't give her any warning when that would happen, either, so she had to keep her eye partially on the overheat monitor the whole time.

Tricky. Distracting. _This sucker's going right back in the armory when I get back to the_ Normandy _,_ she vowed. At least she had Garrus and James with her. They more than made up for her brief lapses in combat, trying to deal with the it. Though both of them laughed when she cursed and dropped it, trading it for her Tempest and a lot of biotics. Not the best combo to deal with an Atlas, but she had to make do.

Naturally, Jack took a swing at her when the fight stopped. Shepard let it connect, knowing there wouldn't be much force behind it. This was the way Jack blew off steam. It kind of reminded her of… she glanced at James and suddenly regretted bringing him. Or running into her. Or something, she didn't want to get into it there. _Distractions_.

As for James, he thought Jack looked like a ticking time bomb. A full biotic who sucker-punched Shepard? Looked like she'd been through the wringer, too, even though her tragic tattoos were kind of hot. Someone like that _without_ biotics was a stalking waiting to happen, but her? No, thank you. Too high maintenance for his taste. He kept his eyes on the exits, waiting for Cerberus to make their move.

"As charming as ever," Garrus commented.

"Bite me, Garrus. Better yet, bite _her_. From what I hear, she likes it." Jack shot back.

James couldn't help the smile quirking at the corner of his mouth. He was glad someone had been giving Shepard shit before he'd come along. She needed it.

"Look, all I care about is getting my guys out alive."

"Your guys?" Shepard asked, leaning back to see the kids trying to catch a glimpse of her from the balcony above.

"Well, I had to do something while you were off playing hero. Alliance brass knew I helped you, so they offered me this. And apparently the students responded well to my teaching style."

"The psychotic biotic!" a pimply-faced kid shouted from above.

"I will destroy you!" the girl next to him shouted, mimicking Jack's earlier shout.

"You couldn't destroy wet tissue paper, Rodriguez." Jack shouted back sarcastically. But Garrus and Shepard could see a calm on her face that had never been there before.

Cortez called in a two minute ETA for the next Cerberus ship drop and Shepard told him to get back to the _Normandy_ before they caught him without any cover. They'd have to find another way off-station. Calling in to security, she updated Sanders, who told her an alternative escape route was possible if they could make their way through the atrium to the Cerberus shuttles, and steal one to get off the station.

Shepard took the steps three at a time again – was it something about having room to run? The _Normandy_ was pretty cramped, come to think of it – and did some tech magic on the terminal upstairs. Hardly pausing, she hauled ass back down under the balcony to the entrance of the atrium. She was forcing the doors open before the others caught up with her. Like always, it had taken the first heavy round of fire for her to really warm up, but her body was humming with excitement now.

"Everyone, be ready! We'll go in first and draw their fire." Shepard said, gesturing to Garrus and James to follow. The biotics followed in the catwalks to give them some cover fire.

Cerberus came through with a pep-talk over the omni-tool comm, encouraging the students to surrender in a sappy voice right as they were about to leave. Some fear started to show on the kids' faces and they looked to their teacher for support.

"They're only asking nicely because you kicked their asses in the last fight. So take your balls out of your purses and let's _kick some ass_." Jack's pep talk had a noticeable effect on the gangly teenagers.

"Let's go!" Shepard led the way through the door.

They fought through the atrium with Jack and her students lobbing biotic assistance from above. They eventually found a side door that led to a little hall where two Cerberus agents were trying to talk three students into lowering their shields, their back to the door.

They were dead before they knew anyone had come through the door behind them. Amongst the huddle of children they found David, the sweet autistic boy Shepard had saved what seemed like ages ago from Cerberus. He recognized her right away and gave her access to the small weapons cache on the end of the hallway – where she found, to her gloating delight, a Mattock rifle. Her favorite. She hadn't had one since… well, for a while. She didn't want to think about when.

James and Garrus shared a knowing look at her chuckle as they stocked up. The Mech suit in the atrium had soaked up most of their supplies. "I am really sick of fighting Mech suits," she grumbled as she loaded up.

"Here, here." Garrus agreed, James bobbing his head and slapping a fresh heat sink into his rifle.

But they were in for a special surprise. Two doors over, they picked off a Cerberus agent guarding an Atlas with a broken cockpit shield, his back to the door. Cerberus was getting sloppy. The Atlas sat there, way too tempting to pass up. Shepard leapt into the cockpit with a howl of delight.

"That's it! Go, Lola!" James ran in front of her, delighting in running point for her in that juggernaut.

She trucked into the other area – it was way too slow for her taste, but she wasn't ever going to forget this – and picked off the multiple squads that hammered away at the students' barrier. It was almost too easy, sidestepping the grenades and firing missiles when they got too close together. Even when another Mech tried to enter, she ducked behind the decorative statue in the middle of the room and alternated sides, popping one missile after another down the stairwell. The other Mech never made it inside. Made her wonder what Vorcha trade school Cerberus had picked up their Atlas pilots from.

Once the room was clear, they made their way to the Cerberus shuttles only to find that Rodriguez (they were beginning to understand why Jack had been ragging on her the whole way there) was pinned down by the backup squad that swarmed in behind them when when they left.

"She needs cover fire!" Shepard cried, slamming the butt of her rifle into the glass, trying to break through. But Jack threw a biotic field into the window, shattering it and blowing the soldiers to their backsides. They grabbed the kid and ran to the shuttle with gunfire raining around them.

Garrus and James picked off as many enemies as they could until they were on board and the shuttle doors closed. While the others caught up with Jack on way back to the _Normandy_ – that one had a mouth on her, James noted – James watched Shepard under the guise of checking his weapon and armor, shooting looks at her while she jested back and forth with the tattooed freak, who was eyeing him frankly. He didn't encourage her.

Shepard had literally done everything he would have done in her place, right down to the Atlas incident. He wished he could have taken her picture in that thing. She looked like she was having so much –

He had a sudden thought.

Once the shuttle landed, he hurried to his bench in the cargo bay and began searching his armor's sensor logs with his omni-tool. Most of it was garbled and hazy with all the fighting and it wasn't meant to be used like this, but there was a brief flicker – there. Perfect.

Now he wouldn't forget. And maybe, just maybe, he could show her some day.

* * *

**On Board the** _**Normandy** _

It was late that night when Shepard entered the Main Battery. She knew Garrus would be there late into the night, and she couldn't sleep. She needed someone to talk to, someone she trusted. For some reason, she dismissed James as an option immediately, even though he had kept her company through many nights just like this one. But something under her immediate awareness knew that talking with him would only make it worse.

It was unusual, after an easy assignment like the Grissom Academy rescue, for her to be restless like this. Hell, no one she knew had even died. But something was stirring at the edges of her conscious mind, and it wouldn't let her settle down.

Without looking up, Garrus greeted her warmly. "I've been working on recalibrating these guns. We're going to need a lot of them for this war."

"I hear that." She cleared herself a spot on the work table and pulled herself up to sit there.

"Anything on your mind?"

"I don't know, couldn't sleep. It was nice to see Jack again," she said, by way of introducing a topic.

"Yes, it's always good to see old friends. Especially when they're better off than the last time you saw them. A rare treat, these days."

"Yeah."

There were a few moments of silence while Garrus tinkered.

"So Lieutenant Vega was pretty handy out there today. I'm surprised you chose him – usually you like the team to be a little more balanced. You know, with more tech expertise or biotics. We were all gunfire today."

"It worked." She didn't want to elaborate.

"Uh-huh."

This was not the conversation she wanted to have. Come to think of it, what did she expect? For someone else to make all her worries and tension go away? Life wasn't like that. Not anymore.

She hopped down from the desk. "Well, I guess I –"

"Are you ever going to let anyone in again?"

She halted, staring at Garrus, who had suddenly turned around and was looking down at her. His earnest gaze unsettled her somehow. "I don't know what you mean."

"The hell you don't. I thought that a few years of command would break down those barriers, but they haven't. It's actually gotten worse since Cerberus brought you back. I hardly ever see you outside of a mission anymore, and you work constantly. You push everyone away now. You've made your life as hard and austere as a Prothean monolith."

She stared at him, her cheeks suddenly flush with anger. She didn't want to hear this, especially since it had a tinge of truth.

"Go back to your cabin and do some soul-searching, Shepard. Try and figure out just how deep the damage that Cerberus did to you runs. Because I've known you longer than most, and you have me wondering if they forgot to thaw out your heart when they rescued your corpse from space."

He turned his back on her, an obvious dismissal. She stared at his back as if she could somehow pierce it with her eyes, make him hurt like he had just hurt her.

He did feel it. He regretted having to do it. But she needed to hear the truth, and sometimes you have to do some damage to start healing.

She walked out of the Main Battery, trying not to march and show how his remarks had affected her. _Screw this bullshit_ , she thought. _I have work to do. I'll rest when I'm dead._

She rested in the calm assurance of that certainty as she rode to the bridge. The barely audible hum of the lift seemed loud to her incomparison with that memory... the air seeping out of her helmet in the calm quiet of space. The only time she wasn't haunted by it was when she was in the thick of battle, with fire and pain blazing all around. But even so, behind it all, she could still feel it... the perfect, endless darkness that wrapped around her like a lover's embrace...

She shook herself out of the daydream, shoving aside the warning klaxon that had begun to go off within her self-preservation instincts as the lift door opened. She walked up to the galaxy map with the feeling of power. This was where she belonged, not whimpering away in her quarters over fleeting feelings.

"Joker, set a course for the Shrike Abysall."

"Right away, Commander. Will you be assembling a team?"

"No, just some scanning for war assets. But we'll probably be outrunning some Reapers, so be ready."

"Sure thing, Commander."

No team this time. No power plays or truthful revelations to piss her off. Just a drive-by. This, at least, she could predict. With a deep sigh, she pulled up the system map for the Shrike Abysall and began to study the logs.


	4. Choices

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard realizes she's beginning to play favorites and decides to do something about it.

**Music:**

**_Spotlight_ , Mute Math**

**You know the one thing you're fighting to hold**   
**Will be the one thing you've got to let go**   
**And when you feel the war cannot be won**   
**You're gonna die to try what can't be done**   
**Gonna stay stay out but you don't care**   
**Now is there nothing like that inside of you anywhere** _  
_

_Bioware owns these characters._

* * *

**Sur'Kesh**

"Come on, Shepard. That was just krogan hot air. If I'd been serious, they'd be dead." The salarian guards standing around Urdnot Wrex sneered at his flippant insult.

She cocked her head at him and snorted. "Wrex, let's fight one war at a time."

"You think you could go toe to toe with _me_ sometime? You know, just for fun." James couldn't resist the temptation. Sparring with Urdnot Wrex sounded almost as fun as sparring with the Commander. A different kind of fun, true, but still fun.

Wrex laughed. "Perhaps. Remember Virmire, Shepard?"

She did indeed. He didn't know how close he came to being killed that day, pitching a fit on the beachfront. But she wasn't about to kill his buzz when he was about to have the best day of his life. Fertile krogan females, immune to the genophage, were here on Sur'Kesh.

As usual, James was bursting with curiosity about the casual mission references, and he really wished he could have seen her fighting the enormous leader of clan Urdnot. He felt like he'd missed… well, like he'd missed a whole war, which he had. With this crew, anyway. His thoughts turned grim as he remembered where he'd been then.

Shepard negotiated her way into the lower levels, but she was bothered the whole time by the armor she saw the salarians wearing. She had never understood the design they had chosen, for such a scientifically advanced species. Were those _handles_ on the front? Unwise if they ended up in hand-to-hand combat. She was almost tempted to toss one to the ground, just to teach them a lesson.

She'd asked EDI to accompany her this time, knowing that she needed some non-combat expertise on this mission, but she had still kept James on the team. She wanted to see how he'd do in a more unconventional combat situation, if someone attacked the facility while they tried to rescue the females. A very likely possibility, with their track record.

James was wary of the salarian that Shepard seemed to know when they got the the lab – spies always affected him that way. Even though the Commander showed instant and unwavering trust in the wiry alien, it wasn't until the base alarms went off that Mordin proved himself to his satisfaction. Cerberus was trying to get to the female before they made off with her.

"Can't release the female due to lockdown. I –" the Salarian guard jerked as an overload charge hit the him in the back, arcing from Mordin's omni-tool.

"Objection noted. Now, release the krogan."

Their elation at their easy access to their object was short-lived as they watched the krogan and Mordin get in the lift, having to stay in the quarantine field. Foolish design, having it on the unprotected outside of the building, but there wasn't much that could be done about it now. The female was officially precious cargo; she was the only survivor of the experiments and the last hope for the krogan people. They ran to the lift they came down in to follow them up, only to find a bomb on board, blasting them all practically to the other side of the room. This had happened too many times in the past for Shepard to even register surprise.

Her hearing was gone for a few minutes and a small, dark corner of her mind reveled in it, feeling that the time was near. The peace was waiting. She just had a few things to do first. Without having to think about it, her body rocked back up and readied her rifle.

Their going was rough, without doubt. They met extremely heavy resistance on each floor, and ended up (predictably) with an Atlas dropping on them at the last minute in fairly close quarters. James got charged up watching her athletic leap to cover, a missile streaking behind her, and her quick command decisions that took care of shields and armor in the most efficient manner. All this time, and he'd never seen her lose her cool, except for that time in the munitions range back on Earth. But at the time she had had no outlet for her tremendous energy, her passion for getting shit done. Those six months had been worse punishment than the Batarians knew.

The Atlas blew up, scattering white-hot shards of metal all over the pristine white floor of the research facility, and they escorted the female krogan back to the _Normandy_ , victorious again.

Shepard had to admit, having Mordin back was like a breath of fresh air. She hadn't realized how much she had missed him. After talking to the Turian Primarch and Wrex in the War Room (more errands to run, more politics to play), all she wanted to do was sit and listen to him humming and singing in the med lab. He was light, easy to be around. No ties or restrictions to behavior, wondering if he'd react to –

She was on her way to the med lab when this line of thought stopped her dead. Her eyes large with realization, eyebrows deeply furrowed, she realized how close she'd let herself come to making a huge mistake. She would have to stop bringing James on every mission, "to see how he did". The last two missions had been tactically sound in the end, but there were better, more balanced teams that she could have – no, that she _should_ have chosen. She didn't get this far by making emotional decisions. She did the right thing, even if it was the hard thing.

She was surprised how hard this decision was. It only proved how necessary it would be.

He was too vital, too potent to bench. It would kill his fighting spirit, just like her imprisonment on Earth had been. But she had to stop playing favorites.

Her brow smoothed. Decision made, she could deal with the tension internally. Just like always.

* * *

**Eight days later**

James punched the button for Deck 1 with enough force that it kept clicking. He wiggled it loose from the edge it had become stuck under so the lift would move.

It had been too long since he'd been on any mission that had seen action. He was beginning to feel a cold distance between them – the same one that he saw between her and the crew. Preserving her "air of command" or whatever. They respected her for it, but he knew better. She'd decided not to take him along for some reason, and he wanted to know why.

When he arrived at her door, he punched the chime and announced. "James." He wasn't asking to come in. He was demanding it.

He half expected her to tell him to get lost, but the door slid open and he walked in, finding her at her desk. She had a stack of datapads next to her and a wary look on her face that disappeared as soon as she saw him. She replaced it with the same cool, pleasant and carefully non-offensive look that pissed him off more than anything else, rising to greet him.

"Commander." He saluted her respectfully. She was obviously overwhelmed with work. Suddenly he felt a little bad about bringing this up right now.

"Lieutenant. What can I do for you?"

"Commander, I'd like to know when I will be able to accompany you on the next mission. I'm ready to go, just like always."

"Your last combat mission was…" she rose and picked up a datapad, clicking her tongue while she checked a log. Like she didn't know the answer already. "… Sur'Kesh. Yes, I can see that was a little long. I'll put you in the next rotation, if the situation permits."

He narrowed his eyes and stepped closer. "Do we have a _problem,_ Shepard?"

She met his stare flatly. "I don't know, Lieutenant. Do we?"

He stepped closer. Unseen, her hand gripped the edge of the desk behind her until her knuckles turned white.

"Lola, what the hell is going on? First you take me everywhere and get me all revved up, and then you drop me without a word. Did I do something? Am I not – I don't know, following your orders fast enough or something?" It was untrue and they both knew it, but he didn't know what else to say. "I gotta know, because I'm pacing a groove in the cargo bay floor and I've won everyone's money at poker. There's nothing to do if you don't let me _fight_."

His argument, so similar to her own in her time on Earth, made her decide it was wrong to keep dodging him. It wasn't right. "James, I have a lot of pressure on me right now. I'm just a Commander, but they have be managing peace treaties and delegations and fighting armies on multiple fronts at the same time... there's a lot on my mind. I'm sorry if you've been feeling like you're… not a priority. You're one of the best soldiers I've got."

"THE best." He automatically corrected, folding his arms across his chest. The impressive sight seemed to prove his point. She decided to toss him a bone of truth, since her eyes were giving her away anyway.

"I know. That's why I have to be especially careful with you right now. I need you to stay where you are until you're called on." She sighed. "I can't be distracted with all of this going on. And James, you are _very_ distracting." She offered a small, insincere smile.

The unexpected warmth in her voice gave him some hope, so he pounced on it. "Okay, but come on, Lola…"

"Don't call me that." Her tone was much sharper now.

They stared at each other for a moment. "So it's 'Commander' from now on, is that it?"

"I'm sorry. That's what I need right now."

He stepped forward and breathed heavily out of his nose, inches away from her. She felt the force and warmth of it and it seemed to warm more than her skin. "Okay, _Commander_." His bitter tone was an ironic contrast to the way she wanted to lean against him right then.

_Weakness. Distraction._

She turned and sat at her desk again, busying herself with work. "Dismissed."

He stood there for a moment, not moving. Then, so lightly she wasn't sure it happened, she felt his fingers brush down the back of her neck, her hair tickling her ear with the movement. His footsteps traveled out the door, which swiftly shut behind him.

She leaned forward at her desk, an odd pressure at her chest. She suddenly couldn't catch her breath. What was happening? Dizzy, she stood up and immediately realized it was the wrong thing to do. "EDI…"

"Summoning Dr. Chakwas, Commander."

She came to on her couch with Dr. Chakwas sitting on the table next to her. "What happened?" She asked, trying to sit up.

"You had a panic attack." Dr. Chakwas pushed her back down. "You're exhausted, Commander. You never take breaks. You push yourself to the limit constantly in ways that human beings shouldn't. Are you getting the picture?"

"Geez, doc, stop beating around the bush."

The doctor was not amused. "You can try to deflect all you like, but you won't last much longer like this. You may be strong enough to save the galaxy, but you can't do it when you don't allow yourself any release."

"I don't know… I don't know how any more." Despairingly, she covered her face in her hands, elbows in the air as she lay on her back.

"You'll have to figure out the how as you go. But to start, you need to make time for yourself."

It was sound, logical advice that she could immediately see the merits of. "I guess… I guess I could start running a circuit in the halls every day. It seems like the only time I get to really _move_ is when I'm on a mission."

"There you go. That's a good start. A run will help clear your head. Just don't multi-task."

"Yes, Doctor. I'll do my best."

"Good. That's all we've ever asked for, you know." She smiled, her kind face calming some of her nerves. "Get some rest right now. Take a nice hot shower and go to bed. Leave all of that," she gestured at the office, "for tomorrow. Okay?"

"Okay. Thanks, Dr. Chakwas. And don't tell the crew."

"Of course not. I haven't been a military doctor this long without learning a thing or two about morale."

* * *

Her daily jogs did begin to help. She took the medical advice seriously, taking note of her breathing and heart rate regularly throughout the day. It was actually a perfect antidote to the tension. Every once in a while another crew member would join her during her 0900 run, after the briefing with the Admiralty staff. James even joined her once. It was great practice for bringing him along on missions again, having him close without gunfire pounding down around them.

She began to regain a grip on who she was, the strong soldier that could shelve her feelings and deal with them, on her terms, instead of just burying them. She allowed herself to eat in the mess hall again, making a point of showing up at least once a day.

She didn't want to think about the reasons why she had shut down. She couldn't afford to have that kind of Achilles' heel. She sparred with James again, just once, to prove that she could. With practice, she started to feel the knot in her chest loosen a bit.

The best choice she made in that time was to start delegating more to the crew, who were more than willing to do whatever she asked. Traynor was saddled with some extra paperwork (don't know why they still called it that - no one used paper anymore) and she let senior crew start doing the post-mission debriefings when possible.

Vega was working out more than twice a day most days, stir-crazy if he didn't get to come on every mission. She put him to work doing hand-to-hand practice with the non-essential members of the crew, remembering how the SR-2 crew had been overrun by the Collectors. Sometimes she went down to watch.

James had the sense that she was trying to come back to center, so he let her be. She didn't need his support anyway, solid soldier that she was. Sparring with the rest of the crew was a nice change, but there wasn't much of a challenge to it. He still had to constantly hold back, especially with the non-combat women. He made up for it with lots of innuendo, enjoying making them blush and giggle.

Allers came down a few times to flirt after her sessions with him, but he wasn't interested in more than banter. There was no real passion in her, just a bit of fluff with brains in his none-too-humble opinion. He might have had a jaunt with Jack if she'd been aboard, she seemed the type for a quick fling so long as he didn't have to live on the same ship with her. But she was long gone, training her little band of snot-nosed kids to be biotic support for the war effort. No regrets there.

The only person that was really on his level wasn't saying much. Shepard only came to see him when others were around. He elected to interpret that in a positive light, arrogant as ever. She'd come around.

But she didn't give him shit anymore, and that was seriously disappointing. He didn't tease her, respecting her choice. But it felt wrong.

It was odd. Even though she was right there, he... missed her. Maybe it was better that she'd chosen to back off. He'd follow her example.


	5. Save the Queen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The creepiest mission James has ever been on makes James see Shepard in a new light.

**Music:**

_**She's a Rebel** _ **, Green Day**

**She's the symbol of resistance**  
and she's holding on my heart like a hand grenade  
Is she dreaming what I'm thinking  
Is she the mother of all bombs gonna detonate

_Bioware owns these characters._

* * *

**On the _Normandy_ , en route to the Mulla Xul System**

"Good news, Vega!" Garrus came into the mess hall, where James was shoveling enormous amounts of protein in his mouth. Droplets of water showed through his shirt from his recent shower. "We're investigating a possible Rachni invasion of a Krogan scout camp on Utukku."

He knew what that meant. "Shit, yeah! Let's do it!" He rose and slammed fists with the Turian, ignoring the sharp, scaly feel of his knuckles. This was what he _lived_ for.

She had chosen Garrus and James again because they were both tanks, unstoppable on the field in a straight battle. Which was exactly what she expected to find on Utukku, and lots of it. It wasn't easy to overrun a Krogan camp, even a small one. Plus, she was comfortable working with them both. More than any other pair, they seemed to respond the way she wanted before she even gave the order.

Javik was incredibly tough too, but Shepard had gone out with Javik once and found him disturbingly abrasive. She was beginning to regret waking him up, especially with how hard a time (and how little help) he gave to Liara. So despite her knowledge of his fighting skills from the Prothean data link, she didn't want to spend more than a few minutes with him.

EDI briefed them on the way down about what to expect. The situation was also being investigated by a group of tough Krogan Commandos, but they hadn't been heard from since they came through the Rachni relay.

"We're out here for some bug hunt? Weren't they wiped out by the Krogan?" James asked while the shuttle shook as it entered the atmosphere.

"That's what everyone thought. We found out differently." There had been quite a bit of flack from upper brass about that incident on Noveria, but she knew had been the right choice. She just really, really hoped that it wasn't the same queen or she'd have a lot of apologies to make.

"We let that Rachni queen go on the condition that she disappear forever. She wouldn't risk everything by doing this." Garrus muttered.

James started in surprise. He hadn't heard about that one. "You're telling me you let a Rachni queen go? Are you _kidding_?"

"No. It was the right call. Just be ready for anything." Shepard didn't even look at him, waiting by the door for the shuttle to land. When the door opened, she and Garrus hopped out and walked toward the structures a short distance away. James was staring at the back of her head as he followed, not sure what he was feeling but knowing it wasn't good.

A half dozen Krogan milling on the far side of the landing site. Shepard heard a familiar voice among them. "Grunt?"

A bark of laughter preluded a large, white-armored Krogan, too young for a head plate, who knocked through the older males to grab the Commander in a crushing hug. "Shepard!"

"What are you doing here?" She asked, shaking his shoulder with a smile while James watched curiously. _This_ was Grunt?

"I could ask you the same question. Didn't those idiots lock you up? Fat lotta thanks for saving their weakling asses."

"They had to let me go when the Reapers showed up. But I'm glad you're here, Grunt. If those Krogan are half the soldier you are, we might just make it out of here."

"Heh. Glad you're here to crack some heads, Shepard! Scans point to a large central area down there. If we're lucky, it's a nest." Grunt growled in anticipation. James saw a kindred spirit in this half-grown krogan. "Aralakh Company, move out!"

The camp was really only a few prefab buildings on the edge of a deep chasm – prime hideout for a Rachni swarm. It looked like several of the buildings had fallen in. James looked down the pit, scanning for any signs of battle or enemies, but there wasn't anything. Yet.

They moved through the last building and she was just passing an open door from which she could see a dizzying view of the chasm below, when the entire structure became unbalanced and began to slide down the steep decline. Shepard clung to the doorframe, trying not to get knocked under the heavy structure as it fell.

She found the ground under her feet again and stood up, unsteady for a moment. "Is everyone all right?" She saw James leap down from the boulder that had jacked the prefab up on its side when it fell. Garrus wasn't too far from her, already on his feet.

"Shepard! You in one piece?" Grunt shouted down the chasm.

"Looks like we're all okay!" She called up. "Keep in radio contact."

"On our way!"

A few yards into the first cave, they found one of the krogan scouts, a flamethrower by his side. She picked it up, figuring he must have needed it for something. You didn't take a flamethrower into close quarters unless you had a pretty good reason.

They encountered some nasty webbing throughout the cave, which Shepard cleared with the flamethrower, proving its worth. A deep, thick darkness pervaded that made it difficult to see where they were going, let alone check for enemies. Their tactical lights were only of moderate help.

"What _are_ those?" James whispered to Shepard when a group of lumpy, fleshy sacs were lit up by her light.

"I don't know." She didn't hesitate, flaming them all.

"Careful!" Garrus said when the pods burst, flinging an acid fluid in every direction.

"They _explode_. Really?" Totally grossed out, he left the pods to Shepard, who evidently wasn't bothered by them. He kept looking for hidden entrances that could be concealing an ambush.

Shepard was far more concerned by the presence of Reaper tech in the next room, coiled around another group of the pods. This could be a nastier fight than she previously thought. She was doubly glad she had chosen this team.

Her concern was well-founded, as in the next room they got ambushed by a Rachni ravager and a handful of husks. It was a hard fight; the cover was too sparse and she had to take out a husk in hand-to-hand while the boys cleared out the rest of the rabble. All but the ravager, but she had fought them before. As soon as she had room to breathe, she ducked into cover and picked off the fleshy bladders on its side. Mechanical, spider-like creatures burst from the bladders when she shot them, scattering as the cannon frame toppled over.

James was more than bothered by all of this. "Those Rachni are just _not right_."

She reported in with Grunt as they cleared the cavern, looting the dead krogan scouts they found for supplies. They found another patch of the pods on the upper ledge of the room, which Shepard cleared out, nonplussed when one burst, flinging long streams of slime onto her armor and sizzling her shield.

"How can you _stand_ that?" James asked. What kind of woman was she?

"It's like my mom says, if it's the worst thing you ever get on you, then you're lucky. There's always something worse. Besides, it's all washable."

Garrus laughed as James made a sound of disgust. "I guess that's true for you, but exploding spider pods aren't _my_ idea of a good time."

"Hey, what can I say. I like to roll like that." She smiled wickedly at him, surprising him with a resurgence of her old humor. "Someone's got to do the _dirty_ work around here." She shouldered her rifle and picked up the flamethrower, leading the way around the next corner.

"God _damn_." James growled heatedly, following her closely. How was it possible she could turn him on, in full armor, covered in alien goo?

"Head in the game." Garrus reminded him.

She was clearing out another patch in the next room when Garrus heard her chuckle. "Liking that flamethrower, Shep?"

"Don't often get to use one." She liked to use lots of different weapons. It gave her a better idea of what to expect when she faced one.

They eventually came to a barrier that a simple overload on the nearby control node opened – really, what was the point if it was going to be that easy? – but the moving machinery triggered a cave-in. Shepard looked up when a few small rocks hit her helmet, suspecting enemies, but James grabbed her arm and yanked her through before it could collapse on her. "Damn, that was close," he said.

She was looking at him in a peculiar way when Grunt came through on the radio. "Everything okay? That sounded bad."

"Just a cave-in. We'll have to find another way out."

"Good. I don't want to have to dig you out."

"Well, that hurts my feelings, Grunt." She was in an unusually good humor in this dark pit of nasties all of a sudden, James thought. This was not his favorite mission, especially once the pods she was burning up started hatching more spiders. Garrus seemed to agree, but he hid it better than James did. _It's gonna be a long time before I can be that unaffected by a place like this_ , he thought.

They met up with the krogan commandos once they released another barrier and decided to split up again to find the central chamber, which was somewhere nearby. Grunt had figured out that the previous squad had died leaving the supplies that the next team would use to reach the chamber – a grim reminder of the serious position they were in. Scans showed that many enemies were closing in on their position, so they moved quickly to the next area.

They reached what seemed like a dead end, but Shepard dropped to her belly and frog-crawled through a low passage to the next area. James enjoyed the view from behind her as he struggled to get his bulk through the narrow space. On the other side, they saw an enormous shape under a great deal of webbing.

"What the hell is _that_?" James asked, feeling like a broken record.

"We've found the central chamber," Shepard radioed to the other team. Just then, the ground rumbled and huge barriers shot up all around them, trapping them outside of the central chamber. Quickly finding and overloading the control node ( _seriously, why bother?_ she thought), she brought the walls down and they dove right into a horde of husks.

"I think we pissed 'em off!" James shouted, finally enjoying himself. They fought off a few waves while she found the next two nodes and overloaded them to open the central chamber. When it opened up, all James could see was what looked like an enormous beaked beetle, huddled under restraints.

A dead Krogan at his feet twitched unnaturally and said in an echoing voice, "Silence."

" _What the hell?"_ He backed away quickly.

Shepard directed his rifle away from the Rachni queen and began to chat with it like they were old friends. He just stared at her in horrified disbelief, trying to ignore the swaying krogan corpses speaking for the enormous queen. For some reason, Garrus seemed more interested in that phenomenon than the queen's comments. James was beginning to wonder what kind of bizarre ship the SR-1 had been.

The Rachni queen was willing to help fight the Reapers, who had trapped her there against her will, so Shepard decided to cover her while she escaped. Grunt cussed her out as she ordered him to leave his team, who were being decimated on their end of the fight. But she needed him, and the queen was an asset for the war she couldn't pass up. The others needed to hold the line so she could get away.

 _I'm the one who makes the hard choices. I'm will drag them kicking and screaming through the Reaper invasion if I have to._ She thought grimly as she released the queen.

James was trying not to let this scene affect his opinion of her. At some level, he knew she was right, but… those powerful krogan, all dying to save their old enemy. This wasn't going to make the Krogan happy.

The queen reared up in joy at being free, shaking rocks loose and making him take a few steps back. Then she looked at Shepard and screeched - in thanks? - before turning away, quickly making her escape.

Grunt met up with them as they made a run for it, enemies closing in all around. "I'll hold them off, Shepard, go!" She clapped his shoulder, meeting his eyes. With one against so many, he was unlikely to come back. She regretted the possibility, but it was his choice. Another friend gone. She was already preparing herself.

"Go!" Grunt barreled into the ravagers that chased them, growling fiercely. Fighting the urge to join him, James followed Shepard as she ran in the other direction.

Whatever Grunt did must have worked, because they didn't meet any resistance on the way out. The mood was somber as they came into view of the shuttle. "We're the last ones out, Cortez," she said into her mic, a profound sadness in her voice.

"Understood."

Just then, a scraping sound caught Garrus' attention as the others boarded. "Look!"

Grunt, covered in slime and blood from head to toe, was limping out of the cave. "That is one tough son of a bitch," James said in awe. Shepard ran forward and grabbed him before he fell over.

"Does anyone… have something… to eat?" Grunt rumbled as they ran to help her.

Once she had him on board, she began to treat his injuries. James watched her work, her hands as steady as ever. He couldn't stop shaking his head. This was a day that might scar him forever.

"You okay, kid?" Garrus asked.

Shepard's head whipped up, a quick glance assessing him for injuries. He looked back at her with the most serious look she'd ever seen on his face. It made her feel as if she'd somehow disappointed him.

"All I know is, that was fuckin' creepy as hell from beginning to end, but it didn't seem to bother you at all. I'm glad I don't have your job." Maybe they weren't as similar as they had seemed.

"Then it's good I only ask you to do yours." She said without venom. The smile she gave him was almost… affectionate. He had just reminded her why she was always in the thick of things. For some reason, she had what it took. The creepiness hadn't affected her at all.

The look reassured him. She wasn't like the Illusive Man, able to set aside everything that mattered for expediency's sake. She was practical, but today she'd been as merciful as ever, just more matter-of-fact than he could have been about it. He nodded to her, and she turned back to Grunt.

* * *

**Aboard the _Normandy_**

In the Starboard Observation Lounge that night, some of the crew members crowded around Garrus to get his version of the mission. James stood away from the group, his arm above his head on the frame of the large porthole, nursing the drink in his hand as he stared into the starfield. They seemed to know he needed a little space, and left him alone.

A few decks above, Shepard lay in her bed staring up at the stars through her window, showered and in her soft pajamas. Her armor had taken a long time to clean, but the busywork had helped her get the proper perspective on the day. That, and a nice long visit with Mordin and the Krogan female, Eve. The two obviously respected on another, and the friendship - though odd - seemed to work. They had brightened her mood considerably with their intelligent, humorous conversation.

She also had a long conversation with Wrex and Primarch Victus and Mordin to discuss their plan to cure the Krogan genophage. That would probably put her back in Grunt's good graces, since she had sacrificed his squad to save the queen today. They were already on their way to Tuchanka.

Seeing the queen again made her more certain than ever that they were doing the right thing. Their species may not be what humans called beautiful, but she remembered the way she had described life and communication as a symphony of song back on Noveria… their minds adrift in space, calling to one another in harmony...

Comforted by the empty, silent void she found behind these thoughts, she fell asleep.

* * *

_She stood, backlit by fire and death. "I'm going in. Alone. This was always going to happen."_

_"I know." He looked at her, thinking that this would be the last time he saw her. "I love you, Lola."_

_She didn't say anything, just looked at him in a way that transcended words. She was saying goodbye._

_She turned and walked away._ Finally, _she thought with relief as her final moments approached._

_But for the first time when considering the dark silence that waited beyond, she felt a tug to return… that there was something she was leaving behind. Something undone._

_It got stronger the farther she got from the man behind her. Finally she turned around. He was still standing there, watching her with a sad but resigned look on his face. Their eyes met._

_"James." She shouted. "I love you too."_

_Then she turned and crossed the point of no return, jumping in as the knot in her chest blossomed into weightlessness..._

* * *

Shepard woke up with a gasp, her heart thumping uncomfortably again.

Something was wrong. She almost never dreamed. There had been that one time after she left Earth… the little boy. But nothing since then, not for weeks. And this dream...

She decided to go talk to the doctor about it. It might have something to do with the panic attack from before. She found Chakwas in the Port Observation deck, a stack of datapads next to her.

"Shepard, how are you doing? It's strange you should come in here - I was just working on something for you."

"What is it?" Shepard sat next to her.

"I noticed an anomaly in your armor readings when I was checking for internal trauma after the team got back from the mission yesterday. Your readings were... strange. I decided to check the sensor logs to see if something was broken."

"Do I need to have it repaired?"

"No. Your suit's fine."

Shepard raised her eyebrows, waiting for the big reveal. "And?"

"I'm not really sure how to put this. In the last few combat situations, your heartbeat has remained almost completely level. Slightly raised when you run, but no more so than if you were running down the hall here in the ship."

"So?"

"Shepard," Chakwas leaned forward, looking at her hands as she tried to find the words. "You aren't afraid when you fight anymore."

She almost rolled her eyes. "So what? I've been doing this for a long time."

"That shouldn't matter. Your body knows that you're in danger, so it gives you the extra boost of energy, adrenaline, whenever you need it. You aren't doing that anymore. It's been okay so far, but some day you're going to need that boost and it won't be there. Your body's autonomic responses are necessary, especially for someone in your line of work."

Shepard was a little frustrated by this conversation, and it showed when she spoke. "What exactly do you want me to do about it?"

"I want you to start caring if you live." Dr. Chakwas said sincerely.

Shepard felt completely transparent. So her dream hadn't been a fluke. "What about the panic attacks? That's fear." She shot back defensively.

"That's _suppressed_ fear breaking out, and it only happens when you're not fighting. If I were a psychologist – and I'm not – I'd guess that you're afraid of life, and not of death. It's a very unhealthy mindset. If we were back on Earth, I'd write you up for a full psych exam. As it is, I can only ask you to try to find something worth living for. Or," she looked like she regretting having to bring it up, "some _one_ worth living for."

She looked at the doctor and raised an eyebrow.

"Your heart rate only went up a few times, Commander. You weren't under fire at the time."

She didn't know what to say. She felt sick.

"No one on this ship really knows what you've been through, but I know dangerous symptoms when I see them. If it were someone else, we could just keep an eye on them, but-"

"Everyone is depending on me." Her voice was completely flat.

"Right. You know the difference between courage and stupidity, Commander. Courage isn't about not being afraid, it's about doing what's necessary in the face of fear. Stupidity is not feeling fear when you should and acting anyway. But since you're not experiencing fear at all, how will you know which is which?"

Shepard put her face in her hands. The doctor was making a lot of sense.

"Look, I know you have the inner resources to find the answers without a shrink, but please, feel free to come and talk to me whenever you need to. If you have another panic attack, bad dreams, or-" she noticed Shepard's flinch. "Ah, so that's what brings you down here. I thought as much. Shepard," Chakwas put her hand on her knee and shook it, just like her mother used to. "You can do this. You can come back from _anything_."

Shepard nodded, looking away again. She was glad, at least, that Chakwas was here. That evening they'd bonded over the bottle of Sirrice Ice Brandy had been worth the pain the next morning.

"Just remember, Commander: not being afraid to die and wanting to live are two different things. Please figure this out. _Soon_."


	6. rEFLECTIONS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard loses a close friend and James goes to Deck 1 to check on her.

**Music:**

**_Destiny_ , Zero 7**

**When I'm weak I draw strength from you**  
And when you're lost I know how to change your mood  
And when I'm down you breathe life over me  
Even though we're miles apart we are each other's destiny

_Bioware owns these characters._

* * *

**_Normandy_ , Deck 1**

Shepard had just finished up her conversation with Primarch Victus, telling him his son had died on the surface of Tuchanka. It was going to be a long, sleepless night. She could tell already. Rubbing her hands on the legs of her uniform, she pushed away from her terminal and walked to the couch, pulling the ties out of her hair and letting it fall around her shoulders. She sat down, tucking her legs into her chest. Quiet moments passed while she stared at nothing.

The door chimed, Vega's voice asking for permission to enter. She didn't want to talk, but she let him in anyway. She knew he wouldn't talk first, and it somehow made her feel a little better to know he'd be there. She squashed her curiosity about why this could be before it could disrupt her mindset.

Shepard didn't have to look up to feel his presence in her cabin. She kept her head on her knees, arms wrapped around her legs on the couch. It wasn't the first time he'd seen her like this. He just sat down in the chair across from her and let her be. It was a familiar routine, ingrained from all of those stressful months in detainment on Earth.

What a crazy time that had been. The first time she saw James Vega back then, her mouth watered and she thought, _So. It's going to be confinement AND torture. Great_.

He was about as ideal a man as she could imagine. Confident, could obviously hold his own in a fight, and damn, was he eye candy. He kept her spirits up, visited her on his off hours... she didn't ask herself why. Distractions were unwelcome, but she might as well enjoy the benefits. There was something there, though. She had kept it together through all the time alone during the trial, shelving those feelings in the matter-of-fact way that had preserved her sorry ass through so many battles, but she was still human. She resolutely turned her mind from the man across from her and back to the latest grief.

 _Mordin_. Brilliant, beautiful in his dedication to the quest for truth. It had been one of the most beautiful deaths she had ever witnessed. Selfless and poetic, he went out in a glorious blaze of glowing light, giving new hope to an entire species. She could almost still hear him, singing his silly songs in the old lab of the SR-2.

Oh yes, in these moments her escapist nature crept in, and thoughts of Vega were never far behind. Since her conversation with Dr. Chakwas, she was trying to let it out a little at a time so she didn't get overwhelmed. She hadn't thought about sex for a long time, except in very desperate moments, waiting for a looming battle to begin. She had interpreted these, correctly, as a manifestation of her own fear of what was to come. She could have indulged them, of course - wasn't like there weren't offers from half the damn crew, which was gratifying in lonely moments - but intimacy is distracting as hell on the battlefield, and prompts heroics that get people killed... or worse, permanently injured.

Not everyone had Joker's inner resources. It was her responsibility to make sure that that didn't happen, and not to pour gas on the fire. The last thing the Normandy needed was a bunch of macho men and wired women competing for the CO's attention. She had seen enough of that watching her father. She hadn't had too bad a time with it on her end… until Vega came along, that is. He still didn't know how much he affected her, and if she could keep it pinned down he never would. No one should be saddled with a dead-end relationship, which anything with her would certainly be.

Kaidan had been especially insistent about a relationship, but once she settled into her command of the _Normandy_ she had kept him at arms' length. The _Normandy_ was her responsibility and it came first. She knew that with her life, she didn't belong in any kind of partnership. He had still persisted and towards the end it had gotten slightly annoying. Sometimes she wondered if that's why she left him hatching the bomb on Virmire, but that led to dark thoughts that were irresponsible to follow when so many people depended on her. Guilt served no purpose – the past was the past. You learn and move on, and you don't repeat the same mistake.

Ashley was more solid with the team, a born soldier. Kaidan wasn't, holding onto loads of guilt and idealistic dreams. That was the simple truth; that's why she made the choice back then. On missions like theirs, you had to either keep it together or get the hell out. At least Kaidan had had a chance to opt out with his honor intact. In the end, respect for his bravery had trumped her distaste for his attempts to bind her. Hell, he had even brought up _kids_ once. Boy had he been barking up the wrong tree.

 _I'm the one who makes the hard choices. That's why I am where I am_ , she thought.

Harsh, but true. That was her reality, her life. She could choose to let a good friend die because of a snap decision about battlefield resources; she could lead the bravest group of beings in the galaxy into a doomed mission for the good of the weaker ones they left behind; she could let hundreds of thousands of colonists die to keep the Reapers from invading for a few more years.

Time which was needed to prepare. Time which had instead been wasted on a trial to appease politicians.

Like a child clandestinely stuffing her face with sweets when she was supposed to be doing her homework, her mind dwelled on Vega again for a moment. Then she shook her head and tried to get back to the business at hand.

The choices had gotten a little easier recently, oddly enough. In the beginning, there had been shades of gray. She would really think before each choice, weighing how the consequences would make people feel. Those shades had vanished beyond doubt once she died. Feelings didn't matter so much as results. Since then, it had been pretty clear what to do. Thinking in black and white made it easy to stick to her guns.

She was supposed to have an ordinary military career. Keep traveling the wide galaxy she grew up in, kill some slavers, get a few medals, then basically retire to some military station and train innocent children to walk the same path. Now she feared what her life would be without war. Her imagination spun out in possibilities…

Say they win. Say the Reapers all get burned up in a supernova, whatever. She ends up a parade float they trot out for special occasions, unless saving the galaxy is a punishable offense. Which was entirely possible. What would she do with herself?

No. She was a soldier. She would – she _should_ – die on the battlefield. Just like last time.

Thane had talked about being a tool with a greater purpose before he died, and it rang true. But she didn't have his faith or his serenity. He had seemed so certain of his purpose. His truth was clear. But what was hers? What was true? What was certain?

_Well, I'll definitely die. Again. So there's that._

That, at least, wasn't a choice. It would be as effortless as before; where there was light there would be darkness. For a moment, she was back there. Oddly detached from her frantic final heartbeats, an overwhelming sense of that peculiar quality of silence that only an EVA can provide. A profound, majestic silence that could only be topped by the silence that followed. Her mind floated in the void. In that moment, she felt the only peace that was really possible in this violent universe. _Except, maybe…_ her eyes flickered across to James, who was still patiently watching her, his eyes seeming to draw her in.

She was suddenly angry at herself. _I'm a Spectre, in command of the best ship in the fleet, my fingers on the pulse of the most pivotal events in the last 50,000 years, and I rationalize my own death rather than face the primal attraction to the man-beast across from me. Mordin! I'm grieving for Mordin_! She inwardly ranted. She huffed a frustrated growl into the room, her fingers splayed, taut with suppressed tension. _Since when am I this_ _shallow_ _?_

She noticed James stiffen when her biotics crackled around her. The anger instantly vanished and, sighing, she reined it in. She still had moments where the biotics were difficult to control, but she didn't mind. It was the only welcome addition she'd received when Cerberus had resurrected her. "Improving humanity's finest", the Illusive Man had said.

 _Asshole_. Like that made up for the rest of the things he did. She hadn't even been given a choice about it.

Control had always been her gift, but she couldn't control the itch that Vega provoked in her. And it wasn't just physical. Moments like this one proved it, the two of them sitting in companionable silence while she twisted in internal agony. His presence was still comforting, though she couldn't quite place why. She couldn't have him in the normal way and it tore at her the most at times like this, but at least she could sit with him quietly. So her mind made up for it with excess physical attraction, evidently.

A sudden thought, vile and unwelcome, entered her consciousness: Kaidan had gone after what he wanted, gotten turned down, and still was brave enough to follow her order to lay down his life. And Kaidan still knows the peace that was denied her with Cerberus' interference, the peace she still longed for. What did that say about her, the one who gave the orders, made the choices - the one Cerberus actually valued enough to bring back? Was it possible she had been wrong?

 _It should have been me sitting on that bomb_.

Tears pricked at her eyes.

 _What the fuck?_ She wiped them away and looked at them, shining on her fingers. _Soldiers don't cry._ _When soldiers cry, they die_. She could remember her father saying that once.

Only she had already died. Just like Mordin, a noble death, but hers had been snatched away.

 _James Vega_ , she thought to herself, finally giving up that line of thought and surrendering to the one immediately in front of her. She let her head lean back into the sofa and calmly considered the person in question. _Claim him and you'll ruin his battlefield prowess, Shepard, probably get him killed._ He was just the type to go charging after her and make her second guess some dead-end mission that needed her special touch. Where they went, hesitation could end more than just the two of them.

But she couldn't stop thinking about him, even in the midst of her sorrow. She wished there was a solution to this quandary, but if there was, she just couldn't see it.

 _What are you going to do now, 'Lola'?_ she mused darkly.

* * *

**James Vega, same night**

_Well, she let me in_ , James thought. He hadn't been to Deck 1 too much, even before she'd made it clear she wanted some space. He didn't want to abuse the privilege after so many months of her not having a choice in company on Earth. But he knew she'd be upset about Mordin, and probably Victus too. She shouldn't be alone all the time, especially not in times like this, and he knew she wouldn't ask.

He'd been sitting in her cabin for the better part of an hour already. She was obviously going through some serious shit, sitting still as a statue for a long time and then making an angry sound, losing control of her biotics for a second. When she caught a few tears leaking out, she gave him a pretty pissed-off look. Probably didn't want him to witness it. He could understand that, so he ignored it.

The tears didn't bother him, but she startled him a bit with the biotics. He still thought there was something strange about seeing a human doing that, even though it had been happening to humans since he was a kid.

He saw that odd, vacant look in her eyes that had always bothered him a few times, but it passed pretty quickly. He knew she'd keep it together. She was as solid a soldier as he'd ever seen, and a fearless fucking monster on the battlefield. Her fighting strategy was never selfish or emotional, never acting superior or unmerciful to her enemy. _The best soldier of us all … including me, and I'm the best_ , he thought smugly. It's no wonder people admired her wherever she went.

He was still watching her work her shit out when her eyes suddenly focused on him. His eyes met hers and held them. A few moments passed, the atmosphere crackling with a tension that had nothing to do with biotics. Suddenly, something in her relaxed, and her eyes softened. They flickered to the couch next to her, seeming to invite him over.

He stood up and moved to sit next to her on the couch. He put his arm around her. She immediately softened to his side.

It was the first time they had been that close. It felt… natural. He didn't ruin it by trying to talk or with attempts to get closer. He just let her be. It seemed to be what she needed, what he would have wanted in her place.

They sat there, just breathing, aglow in the blue light from the aquarium. She turned her head toward him and pressed her face into the side of his hard chest, breathing in slowly and deeply. He wasn't sure if she was crying again, but he doubted it. Those two tears were probably the first ones she'd shed since she came back to life. For a moment he thought she might be smelling him, but that seemed unlikely. Where her nose was, it probably didn't smell too great. He'd been on Tuchanka that day, too, and a quick shower can only do so much. He'd hurried up here to check on her.

The remaining tension in her shoulders slowly released. After a while of listening to her even breathing, watching the fish swim around, he realized she had fallen asleep. His eyebrows rose in surprise, momentarily humbled by her trust.

Moving carefully, he rose and picked her up to carry her to bed. She instinctively wrapped her arms around his neck, resting her head against his shoulder with her long hair flowing over his arm. He couldn't help standing there for a moment, looking at her with a big smile on his face. _The great Shepard. The legend. Lola. In my arms, asleep._

He heard a light shuffling sound and looked toward her feet. Her toes were clenching and unclenching, rubbing against each other. Her toenails were painted red.

 _Oh man_ , James thought. His shoulders sagged with defeat as he looked back at her peaceful face. She sighed into his shoulder. _I am so fucked_.


	7. In Between

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James doesn't know what Shepard is doing to him, but he's beginning to think it can't be good.

**Music: _Spacewalk,_ Urban Myth Club**

_Bioware owns these characters._

* * *

**Crew Quarters, on board the _Normandy_**

_She stood at a balcony, overlooking a colorful vista of the Presidium. The fighting behind them was finished; Cerberus had finally been routed from the Citadel._

_The moment was so beautiful, seeing her in natural light with strands of dark hair blowing over her face. Her helmet was under one elbow as she gazed out over the landscape. It felt like it had been ages since he'd seen her in calm times, with the sun shining on her face._

_She turned her head to smile at him over her shoulder._

_Behind her, a reaper destroyer rose from below the balcony, blocking out the light, joints shrieking as it slammed its legs into the building, the stink of hot metal in the air. It opened its iris directly behind her head and he felt the vibration of its powerful cannon powering up in his bones._

_Adrenaline shot through him and he began to run, but then he realized she wasn't moving. Her expression hadn't changed at all. He couldn't understand why she didn't move, run away._

_Then he realized – she hadn't seen it. She was looking at him instead._

_The deep sonic boom of the laser sounded, and everything was fire…_

* * *

"Hey, Vega, wake up. It's your turn in the mess today. We're getting hungry. Hey!" Cortez backed up when James bolted out of bed, disoriented. "Relax, okay? No missions today. Get a grip."

James walked into the galley in a daze. He chose the simplest meal he could think of to prepare for the crew so his mind had time to settle. His mind was in a whirl, nothing settling down long enough to be noticed. All but one thing: Shepard.

Her face, her voice, everything she did on Tuchanka… watching her run headlong under a Destroyer to activate the hammers to call Kalros, "the mother of all thresher maws" was something else. She was a menace; she must have some fatal attraction thing going on with those damned worms.

When she ordered them back to the drop point, saying she'd take care of the cure, he'd come close to refusing to leave. But then the reaper started to move again and he knew it wasn't the time for an argument. She obviously knew what she was doing.

He and Liara had watched in horror as Kalros and the destroyer fought, reducing what was left of the area around the tower to rubble – the battle zone that she had run directly into. It seemed impossible that she could have survived, but she came flying out of the smoke like an angel not too long after, the sky raining stars of white as the cure flew out into the atmosphere.

And then, her quiet despair all the way back on the shuttle. She hadn't said a word all the way back to the _Normandy_. It had been that quiet sadness that drew him up to her cabin afterwards.

Tuchanka had been rough on all of them. Four missions in two days. Cerberus everywhere, the bomb and Victus, and then Mordin died. It was no wonder he was having fucked up dreams.

"Come on, Vega. We haven't got all day!" Ashley was about to make his shit list.

"It's coming, keep your panties on." He finished setting the last plate out and started in on scrubbing out the cooking pots. He'd eat after everyone left.

It was strange that he should be dreaming about the fight on the Citadel. Last night he had run through the previous battle before he went to sleep, to check his response and strategy, just like always. But he had been thinking about Tuchanka, of course. It was when they were fighting on the Citadel, though, that he began to wonder if she had a death wish.

The fight on the Citadel had been challenging – tons of nemesis, phantoms, Atlas', and of course that assassin… Kai Leng, that's what his name was. Bastard had dropped on the roof of the car they'd taken when Shepard, true to form, dropped the wheel, popped the door and halfway climbed onto the roof to fire at him while they were still flying through the air. He'd had to grab the wheel so they didn't crash into a walkway as they flew through the Presidium. She was ballsy, but that was part of what he liked about her.

He was reminded of a man he had known from Fehl, one of the senior colonists. Once the fighting started he was no good, cowering behind some crates, but they didn't have time to worry about him with the fighting going on.

There were some civilians out in the open, running for shelter. The man saw the swarms coming and ran to help, grabbing one of the squad's weapons from the crate. They reached the door, but the inner seal was damaged. It had to be locked from the outside panel. He had shut the door, sealed the locks from the outside and turned around to fight. He had to have known he didn't have a chance.

James had seen this last part from across the field. He saw the man take a running leap into the swarm of Collectors, shouting in defiance. The look on his face... it had been just like Shepard's before she ran toward the destroyer. Not just courage, not just determination – he knew he was going to die, and it gave him the strength to do what was necessary.

 _She's like that every time_ , he thought. You can't fight like that unless you truly believe there is no future for you. She was the perfect leader for this effort, in that light – unafraid to make the choices that hurt others, unafraid of the consequences. Unafraid of the future.

A woman that believed she had no future and put everything on the line every day to save others. What was he supposed to do with that?

_Nothing, probably. I'm just a grunt, nothing compared to her. All that she's achieved, all that she's seen… what can I ever do for her?_

His life had taken him too far, too fast for any one woman to have staked a claim. He wasn't opposed to it happening. It just hadn't, especially with the way he always aimed for the thickest part of the fight. The hangers-on from the past had just enjoyed his body and his quick tongue (for more than one reason) and shed some tears when he left, then moved on with their lives. He was like an adventure for them, a picture to look at, nothing more.

For him there had never been any real adventure, at least not with women. Different shape, different smell, different sounds when he did what he did. That was pretty much all the difference he noticed in them, unless they were squadmates. He didn't look at women in uniform any differently than the men he served with, except in off-duty hours. Teasing aside, of course.

But with her… with Shepard… she was definitely an adventure.

He had simple tastes. So did she. Find the fight and go all-in. But she had some deep scars in her psyche, something had happened that she never got over. So did he, but nothing like what she had to deal with. With her life, it was a crap shoot as to what suicide mission she'd been on when she picked it up. It may not even matter which one. It could be all of them, all wrapped up.

What he wanted to know was if this turn of events would change him on the field. For any other couple, the question would be ridiculous. For them, it was life and death.

Life and Death. A fitting metaphor for the two of them.

This was far more serious than James Vega liked to think, but he didn't shy away from the experience. She was awakening as much in him as he was in her, though he didn't know it consciously.

The entire line of questioning was deeply disturbing to him, even more disturbing than that Rachni mission had been. At this thought he was suddenly flooded with images of her again; picking up the flamethrower and walking away, her armor a mess from the pods… leaping for cover with a missile streaking in close behind… piloting the Atlas with a huge smile on her face… looking down on him when she'd knocked him down in the cargo bay… standing in the munitions range with concrete burning behind her, inviting him to fight… sitting in the window of her quarters back on Earth… sighing into his chest with her toes curled…

He took his breakfast dishes to the sink and went to the bathroom to freshen up. He showered and shaved, finishing by rubbing his face down with cold water. Staring into the mirror, he saw an odd look on his face. It wasn't confusion, which is what it felt like.

It was _wonder_. What was she doing to him?

He didn't want the answer right now. James wanted to do what he always did – to fight, and to win. He didn't need anyone else to help him know his purpose, his worth or his direction; just point him at the action and say 'go'.

He bobbed his head in determined affirmation of what he already knew: he had to fight, and there was plenty of it on the horizon. All the rest would fall into place if the situation permitted. There was nothing more anyone could do about it.

* * *

**Two weeks later. Mission: Shutting down the Geth Flagship Core**

"Tali will be handling hacking and security," Shepard said by means of an introduction to James as they stood in the airlock, waiting for Joker to get in position.

"Better you than me. Nice to meet you, ah, Sparks," James said, his voice muffled by his helmet.

"Sparks?" Tali's head cocked to the side. She didn't sound happy about the nickname.

"Yeah, you've got lights in your… ah… and you're kinda small and jumpy… it just came out." He faltered. Shepard was glad she was in her full breather helmet on so she didn't have to hide her smile. Him and his nicknames.

"If you say so." Tali said doubtfully.

The Geth dreadnaught was quiet as a graveyard – no surprise, since what little air they had had already vented into space through the huge hull breeches that the Quarians had inflicted on the ship. They were headed to the central server to shut it down, cutting off the Reaper signal that was influencing the Geth. Tight pockets of Geth fought like… well, like machines as they made their way through the main battery to the core, the cannon's powerful blast knocking out their shields several times. It was not the toughest fight they'd been in, and they made good time to the core.

Shepard was enjoying being with Tali again, her bright personality prompting more smiles than even Mordin had. They reached the central core with minimal damage and Tali opened the console in the middle to reveal a Geth bound up into the server core, just like David had been with the VI on Aite.

"Shepard Commander. Help us." A bright white flashlight shone down at them.

"Legion." Seeing him like that instantly had Shepard concerned that she'd have to kill a friend. This wasn't how she thought today would go.

 _Of course, it knows her_. James looked at her with wide eyes and furrowed brow, wondering when she'd stop surprising him. She had the most random and bewildering set of friends. "You know this thing?"

"Yes. It helped me fight the Collectors. It's on our side."

"You sure about that, Commander?" James asked, more skeptical even than he had been with the Rachni queen. He noticed it had a broken piece of N7 armor as a chestplate. _Is it a trophy?_

"Yes." There was no sound of hesitance or doubt in her voice, but then, there never was. He wondered suddenly if he was able to read her as well as he thought he could.

Evidently Tali agreed, so they released his hardware blocks while James, suspicious of the whole thing, watched apprehensively. As soon as Legion was released, he shut down the geth flagship as a measure of good faith. James was just starting to think that it was going to work out when the room got swarmed with a lot of suddenly-pissed-off Geth troopers and Primes. This wasn't too unexpected, but then the Quarian fleet decided to take the opportunity to shoot down the flagship while they were still on board.

 _That's gratitude for ya_ , James thought, trying to stay focused on the battle. It was a brutal fight, but they eventually prevailed. James just hoped it would be worth it.

Even once the fighting stopped, the ship was breaking up violently from the pounding the Quarian fleet was giving it and they had to run for a Geth fighter nearby to escape. An enormous explosion knocked out gravity once they reached the bay and they went flying, weightless. Not affected at all, Legion grabbed Tali and James, but Shepard slammed into the fighter and held on, simultaneously radioing Joker to watch for them and not fire on the enemy ship. She didn't seem even slightly concerned about almost drifting out into space in the middle of the battle, James noted. She was either the toughest soldier he had ever met or the craziest. He preferred the former.

Legion swung into the cockpit while the other three squeezed into the storage area in the back. The Geth fighter screamed away from the exploding dreadnaught towards the _Normandy_. Through the partially open canopy they could see the hundreds of ships, battleships and fighters that lit up the sky as the Quarians and the Geth battled above Rannoch. Even though violence was raining all around, the trip was eerily silent but for their breathing in the vacuum of space.

Shepard was slightly discomposed. The suit she had on wasn't meant for long-term exposure in open space, and one piece of shrapnel from an exploding vessel was all it would take to puncture a weak part of her armor. She wasn't sure, suddenly, if she would welcome it as much as she once had. She wondered what was different about this mission.

As it was, she was in James' lap with his arm around her waist, holding her securely. His bulk was wedged in underneath her tightly. If it hadn't been for little Tali in her lap, it would have been a very intimate trip.

"That was a quick one." James commented after a few minutes. "I'm surprised you brought me along for this one. Tech isn't really my thing. You know, at all."

"Are you complaining, Vega? Thought you wanted to go out more."

"No, no, just… wondering if there might be any _other_ reasons for bringing me along." His voice was fraught with implications, giving her a little squeeze.

Tali twisted her head around to look at Shepard. She rolled her eyes at her Quarian friend, shaking her head slightly.

"Uh-huh." Tali turned away, evidently not buying it.

* * *

**Normandy Mess Hall**

Once the post-mission debriefing was completed, Vega cleaned up and went to get a bite to eat. Traynor was in the galley, cooking something complicated that she wouldn't let him touch, no matter how much he tried. She said it was something special for someone else.

He finally just grabbed something random out of the fridge. He wasn't even sure what it was, but it tasted pretty good. Once he sat down, Garrus pinned him down to get details about the mission while he ate. Somehow, after a few minutes they started getting in a pissing match trying to one-up one another with war stories. The stories got more and more flamboyant, finally disintegrating into downright fantasy, both of them laughing. The most outlandish ones that Garrus could tell were all involving Shepard, so James said they didn't count.

"Her and goddamn thresher maws. I never would have imagined something like that going down on Tuchanka. How did Eve even think of that? Getting it to take down the reaper?" He was sitting at the counter, not even looking up as he wolfed down his food.

"Anything can be an asset for this war. I intend to find out just how far we can stretch what we have. The thresher maw was just a practical use of what we had on-hand. Eve was right on the money." Shepard's voice came from behind him.

"Well, aside from Tuchanka, I guess I've been lucky, with your track record." He said, still eating. "Even so, it seems like every other time I go on a mission with you, we end up stuck in a dark place with lots of rachni or other nasties. I almost started having flashbacks today." He said, chuckling. Then he looked up and froze.

Shepard was dressed to the nines, wearing a jet black dress with a metallic sheen that was so form-fitting it looked like the paint wasn't dry yet. It had red piping down the front and a tiny N7 logo embroidered on the right shoulder strap. The necklace winding around her neck looked like an old-fashioned ammo belt, but still somehow looked elegant on her long throat. It took him a second to realize that she was talking.

"You don't have to be scared of the dark, James – I'll protect you." She smirked. "Traynor, is dinner ready?"

"Not quite, Commander. It will be by 1800, just like I promised."

"Going out?" Garrus asked, equally impressed.

"In, actually. Dinner with the Quarian Admiralty and a few of the senior officers. You should read your messages, Garrus – you were invited. Lucky I had this thing left over from the mission I did with Kasumi." She indicated the dress dismissively, not self-conscious at all.

"You had that this _whole time_ and I've never seen it?" James asked.

"Not unless you rifle through my closet when I'm not around." She snorted. "It's not like we have much occasion to dress up." She walked into the galley to try the food. James couldn't keep his eye off the little zipper that ran the length of the back of the skirt – the way she walked, it was mesmerizing.

Garrus continued the conversation as if James wasn't about to have a heart attack. "What planet was it that you flipped the Mako and slid down a mountain right into a thresher nest?"

"Presrop. Though in my defense, that was a nightmare planet to drive on."

"True. But there's a reason why we asked for Cortez."

"What can I say? I'm no pilot. But I killed that thresher maw, too. The Mako was a great vehicle for that kind of exercise, with its cannon. I miss that thing." She said nostalgically, putting a bite in her mouth after Traynor indicated which dishes were safe for humans.

"How many thresher maws have you killed?" James asked idly, almost distracted by this conversation. His eyes hadn't stopped scanning her from head to toe and back again.

"Well, I haven't actually taken account of it, truth be told. Let me see…" She looked at the ceiling, tapping her fork on her teeth. He immediately became fixated on her mouth. "There was Presrop, of course, and Trebin… Nanuel… hmmm…" She shook her head. "I'd have to really research to figure it out. I just can't remember. Eight or ten, probably, on a half dozen planets. There's only one that I _couldn't_ kill." She suddenly looked sad.

Garrus was sympathetic as he asked her, "Akuze?" She nodded.

"All set, Commander! No, no," Traynor stopped Shepard from picking anything up. "You're not going to ruin your pretty dress. I'll get some help. They should be in the conference room any minute."

"I should get going." She turned and walked away confidently, as at home in strappy heels as in combat boots.

Garrus laughed at the way James watched her go. "Oh, you are such a goner. I'll leave you to your thoughts, I don't have much time to get ready. I wasn't looking forward to a formal dinner, but I'm not missing sitting across the table from her now!"

James sat stupidly, staring into his bowl of whatever, wondering how the hell he was going to get to sleep tonight.


	8. Killing the Reaper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rannoch represents a new beginning for more than just the Quarians.

**Music:**

**_Sorrow,_ The National**

**Don't leave my hyper heart alone on the water**  
Cover me in rag and bone sympathy  
'cos I don't wanna get over you  
I don't wanna get over you

_Bioware owns these characters._

* * *

**Cargo Bay of the _Normandy_ , four days later**

He heard her steps behind him as he worked out with his heavy bag. He didn't turn around.

"Commander."

Shepard leaned on the corner of the crate near him, staring at his sweaty shoulders and neck as he moved, muscles shifting along his arms and back visibly. She blinked and shook her head to clear it, then spoke. "James, the mission on Rannoch is going to be rough. Lots of Geth, lots of artillery."

"Right on. I'm lovin' it already." He flashed quick a grin at her and turned back to his workout.

"Actually, I came to tell you that I'm bringing Legion and Tali. I need their tech abilities in this fight."

Stopping, he turned his body to face her and put his hand out to stop the bag from swinging.

"I just... wanted you to know beforehand. That it's a tactical decision. Not a... personal one."

The hesitating way she spoke let him know that this truth was hard for her to speak. He took a few steps forward and put a hand on the top of the crate next to her, leaning in close. She was acutely aware of him looming over her, his body flush and radiating heat.

"Not _personal_ , huh?"

"That's right." Her voice was steady. His lifted eyebrow and hazel-flecked eyes affected her, but she was able to decline the distraction.

They looked into each other's eyes for a moment and James' humor suddenly returned. "Well, when you're ready to make a _personal_ one, you know where I'll be. I can help you with those itches you're always talking about."

She backed up a step, but a lopsided grin appeared on her face. "Stand down, Shoulders. I have a mission to run first."

"First? I like the sound of that... Lola."

He was gratified by the way she didn't object to his use of the nickname as she trotted back to the lift. _Shoulders_... she had given him a nickname too. Nice.

* * *

**In orbit above Rannoch**

James sat with most of the crew in the dining hall, watching the events on the surface of Rannoch where EDI was projecting it on the wall. After extremely heavy resistance and the chance to use some artillery (James was more and more regretting her need for other squad mates), they finally achieved their objectives and signaled for pickup.

The ground began trembling noticeably and the crew gasped as they watched an enormous reaper destroyer rose out of the ground on the Quarian home world, but his eyes stayed on Shepard as she fell several stories from the quake. He didn't breathe until he saw her move again, then roared his approval for her quick moves to the shuttle, jumping to his feet with his fist in the air.

He watched her escape with the others, the Reaper close behind, hitting it repeatedly with the orbital targeting device until it finally went down long enough for them to get away. The crew cheered wildly, but he could see her anger turn into determination as she stared at the downed Destroyer.

He knew what she was going to do even before she grabbed the targeter from the shuttle. He knew because it's the same thing he would have done. His torso leaned closer to the screen, as if he could jump through it and join the fight.

"Fuck leaving. This ends now." Her voice rang through the cabin speakers. She jumped out of the shuttle and ran towards the lurching reaper.

The Destroyer shrieked metallically as she hit it in its glowing red cannon, again and again, each time it moved closer to her tiny shelf on the cliff face. Gasps and a few shrieks sounded as they watched her dodge the immensely powerful laser, rolling expertly aside to hit it right where it counted. Under her filthy face mask he could just make out the set of her jaw, ignoring the fear that would be knocking down just about anyone else. But then, she had died already. Maybe she didn't fear death at all anymore.

In this moment, completely irrelevant, the thought popped into James' head: _Right now, inside her combat boots, her toenails are shiny red._

He saw her face aglow through the dirty faceplate more clearly when the Destroyer was just above her, just a few feet away; a screaming bloody red that he would never forget, illuminating the resolved look on her beautiful face as the final attack from orbit hit home.

"Yeah!" he roared as she was blown clear. The crew began grabbing each other and celebrating. Allers was rattling off her report on the far side of the room, the camera lights casting hard shadows across the table. Only James, standing directly in front of the screen, noticed when Shepard approached the faltering Reaper.

"What the fuck is she doing _now_?" he exclaimed. This, he wouldn't have done.

They listened in mute stupefaction as she conversed with the ancient machine, its voice thundering through the barren valley. He shouldn't be surprised, it wasn't the first time for her. The conversation went nowhere, as they all knew it would, but she still tried… she always tried to make the world a better place. To save lives. He shook his head in wonder. This was why these people followed her even when there seemed to be no way back.

He could see the barely concealed grief at losing yet another true friend in Legion, which carried her through negotiating peace with the Geth and the Quarians. She could do anything. No, that wasn't the truth of it – she just set things right, wherever she went.

All he wanted to do was fight with her until the end of days. _Which is possibly soon_ , he thought, quirking an eyebrow. There had to be _some_ way that they could be together without fucking up the mission. Winning the fight was the most important thing to both of them.

He had a sudden epiphany. Maybe… maybe it could work out after all.

Garrus put his hand on James' shoulder. "You okay? Thought you blacked out for a minute there."

He grinned. "Hell, yeah! She nailed that fucker to the ground!"

"She's something else, that's for sure. Damn, I wish I'd been down there with them. Lately I miss all the good missions."

"Don't worry – there's a lot more of those bastards coming soon. You'll get your shot."

"Very true."

* * *

**Cargo bay**

Shepard wearily accepted the congratulations of her crew when they crowded around her as she stepped off the shuttle. They needed to see for themselves that someone had come back from confronting a Reaper, to touch her themselves to drive it home. It wasn't just about her being a hero. She understood the symbolism, so she squeezed their hands and let them hug her if they were daring enough to try, even though she wanted more than anything to be somewhere else. It was part of the job.

James wasn't in the crowd. She didn't need to look to know it was true. A quick glance proved that he wasn't in his spot on the other side of the cargo bay, either. A part of her was disappointed, but she immediately shushed it. Her mind kept returning to the shuttle behind her, far emptier than when she had boarded it a few hours before.

Another friend lost. _Legion_. The doors to the elevator shut smoothly behind her and she let the sudden silence sink into her brain. Her hearing was muffled after the gunfire and explosions like it always was, but she could still hear her heartbeat… and on the periphery, more present than it had been in a long time, she could feel the profound peace that she remembered, waiting. Calling. She could hear the air seeping away, quietly soothing her... She started when the lift stopped.

James was sitting near the couch when she entered her quarters, draped over the chair like he owned the place.

"EDI, how the hell did he get in here without my permission?"

"Lieutenant Vega was quite insistent that you would want to talk to him once you returned."

He talked over his shoulder without turning around, "It's your own fault for letting a damned AI have the key to your cabin."

She ignored his comment, too depressed to be amused. Walking toward the bed, she triggered the release command on her chestplate and began shucking her armor, letting it fall around her. She was bone tired and wrung out emotionally.

The back of one of the leg pieces was dented and the clasp wouldn't release. She struggled with it for a moment before he walked up behind her, dropping to one knee and easily bending the metal joint back into place. He pulled away the offending piece and dropped it on the floor beside them.

He rose to stand behind her, looking at the sheen of dirt and sweat on her neck, her hair a mess from the helmet, wearing only her underarmor. Even covered in filth, she was still stunning. Her eyes were wide and unseeing, her hands shaking with tension as they rubbed her temples and forehead as if she could somehow penetrate the skin and rub out the day's events from her memory.

"Lola," he said softly. She didn't respond. "You need some happiness in your life if we're going to make it to the end."

Wearily, she tilted her head back and sighed. "The end? What end? I come back, but everyone else dies and stays dead." She emphasized the last word with more bitterness than he had ever heard out of her.

He shook his head, not taking the bait. "Why did you do it?"

She didn't need to ask what he meant. "I couldn't see handing back Tali's homeworld, especially with the new peace with the Geth, when a goddamn _reaper_ was sitting right where she wanted to build her house. So many people," - she faltered – " died when the Reapers came to Earth, but they at least had a home to lose. I couldn't leave it unfinished." She paused, then continued. "There's so little time left. I won't leave anything unfinished anymore."

He stepped closer, inches away. She could feel his warm breath on her ear, still ringing from the noise of the battle. "Nothing?"

She turned and looked up at him slowly, her eyes clear and candid. "If I get distracted, if I hesitate, people die. If I get self-centered, even for a moment, everything falls apart. That's what happened when the Collectors destroyed the SR-1. I got sentimental, and I lost everything."

"But you came back!"

"I came back in the hands of the enemy, with the whole world upside down. It didn't begin to feel right until…" She looked at him, then closed her eyes and turned away again. "No. I'll kill you in the end too."

"Bullshit, Shepard," he exploded in frustration. "We're dead already."

Her jaw clenched in a sneer and she whipped around, sticking her finger right in his face. "You don't know what the _fuck_ you're talking about! What the hell do you know about death? What, you saw some people get liquefied?" It was below the belt and she knew it, but she couldn't stop the words from flowing as she stepped so close that all she could see was his suddenly livid eyes. "Got a little battle damage, soldier boy? You can't _comprehend_ where I've been."

He loomed in barely controlled anger, grabbing her wrist and directing it away from his face, the muscles under his shirt rippling as he fought to lean away from her, not to blow his lid. He couldn't speak.

With her harsh words, she could hear the eternal span of time calling to her louder than ever, this galaxy just the merest flicker of violence against the backdrop of the perfect, endless darkness she had been torn from two years ago. Her voice, low and intense, continued. "Life is war, blood and pain. There is only ONE real peace in this universe, Vega, and I've been there." In her eyes, he saw the void that had always bothered him, always made him wonder what she was thinking. In her last soft words, her voice held a disturbing note of longing.

His eyes widened, not needing an explanation for her morbid statement. "No." he said, nostrils flaring. "You've forgotten about the other one."

He put his free hand behind her neck, pulling her close. Their lips met unexpectedly softly, her eyes drifting closed as her anger evaporated. He released her wrist and covered the side of her face with his large palm, sliding his arm from her neck down to her waist. Her arms automatically wound around his chest. They lost themselves in an endless moment of communion, standing in the middle of the room while the fish tank hummed, her armor scattered around them.

She gasped and tried to pull away. "I can't," she said. "There's too much at stake. I can't just-"

"Shut up, Lola. We're having a moment here." He said, smiling relentlessly down at her in a way that she couldn't resist. Looking at him, something enormous released in her chest and she pulled his head back down, kissing him like she needed it to breathe. Her hands roamed over her his chest, his mohawk, his neck, finally settling around his broad shoulders as she pretty much climbed into his arms.

After a few minutes of enjoying this, he lifted her up, liking the way she wrapped herself around him without breaking the embrace. He carried her to the couch and settled her in his lap, applying himself to making the most of the moment by responding to her hungry, lingering kisses. But after a little while, she pulled away and pushed the top of her head into his chest, her hands gripping handfuls of his shirt.

Could she risk the fight for the entire galaxy, which by some cruel twist of fate was continually dropped in her lap, because she wanted to finally experience love?

It was the first time she had thought the word, even to herself. It startled her into sudden remembrance. Legion. Mordin. Thane. Kaidan. A thousand, million others. What were their deaths serving, if she were to give up her strength so she could experience _tenderness_ with this man, this soldier?

The side of her fist slammed into his shoulder beside her head in frustration. Continuing like this would ruin them both in the place that mattered the most - the fight with the Reapers. Encourage weakness, which led to distraction and death. The peace yearned for her again.

She stiffened and pushed away. The distance was palpable. She looked up at him, shaking her head. "This isn't going to work, the mission- "

"Is more important than anything," he finished for her. "More important than you, more important than me." He gazed at her intently. "Shepard, I'm like you. I get it. You won't need to make a hard choice for me. I already made it before we even met. There's no coming back from where we're going, and I'm fine with that. I was looking for the fight, and I found _you_ there."

He ran a thumb down her face, noticing the clean streak it made. "I didn't want to rush in and be your hero today. I would have done the same thing as you on Rannoch, even if you hadn't been there. Probably not as well, but..." She almost smiled.

He put his large hands on either side of her neck. "I'll follow your sweet ass into the deepest Reaper shithole you can find to wreak some fucking _havoc_." He spoke with enthusiastic passion. "Lola, babe… we were _meant to be_."

Feeling the truth of his final words, her breath halted and she slowly looked up at him with half-lidded eyes. She stank of sweat and fire, backlit by the calm water, practically bursting with the passion she thought she had buried with her last body as her chest rose with a deep breath.

"You know what this means," she said in a low, throaty voice. "Right?"

"Yeah." He flashed his straight white teeth in a cocky grin. "It means we're gonna _win_."


	9. Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James and Shepard come to an understanding.

**Music: _Video Games_ , by Lana Del Ray**

_Bioware owns these characters._

* * *

**_Normandy_ ** **, Deck 1**

James stood up, setting her on her feet.

"What are you doing?" she asked. She had been completely comfortable, wrapped in his embrace. She could have stayed there all night.

"I hate to tell you this, but you look like you just fought a reaper. Plus you stink." He gestured his head toward the bathroom. "Do you want some privacy, or..."

She laughed softly, considering. She really didn't want to leave his side. "Come on."

He followed her as she walked slowly toward the bathroom. She stepped inside and turned on the water, then let her hair down and brushed it out so it wouldn't get knotted once it was wet. He leaned on the doorframe and watched, breathing through his mouth as she pulled her underarmor over her shoulder. He memorized the way her body moved as she fluidly pulled her arm from the stretchy material - long, lean and powerful. Her other arm pulled out and she pushed it down to her hips. Her back was beautiful, narrow with shadows of muscles that he wanted so badly to touch...

Shaking his head, he remembered where he was and why he was there and walked forward. His fingers feathered down her spine, causing her to shudder and flex. It was amazingly sexy to see her respond like that, so he did it again, this time continuing down to where the flexible, tough underarmor folded over. He tugged at it and it slipped lower, revealing two little dimples just above the curve of her bottom that made him growl a little in his throat.

She put two thumbs under the fold and pushed it all the way down, revealing her long, muscular legs. He just watched, realizing now why she moved so smoothly during battle, why she was so mesmerizing to watch when she walked. Her body, revealed to him after so long, was more beautiful than his (he now realized) limited imagination had supplied.

She walked into the water and gracefully washed her hair. Streams of grey swirled down the drain as dirt from the surface of Rannoch washed off her neck and shoulders in rivulets that seemed to enhance the graceful curves of her back, hips and legs.

She turned her head to look over her shoulder at him. "Are you going to get undressed?" She said in a low voice.

 _Like she had to ask._ Then he realized that she _had_ had to ask, because he was standing there like an idiot.

Just then, she turned around and leaned back against the wall, watching him with one leg slightly bent at the knee, gathering her hair and pulling it over one shoulder. The long strands rippled down over her chest in the water, curling around the inner curve of her right breast. It was possibly the most sensuous thing he'd ever seen. The fingers of her right hand indicated his shirt and then gestured for him to lose it.

He looked back up to her eyes and didn't look away from her face while he removed his shirt. She bit her lower lip in anticipation, her knee raising just slightly and squeezing against the other leg. A half smile appeared on his face as he unfastened his large buckle and kicked off his boots.

She pushed off the wall and moved forward, passing through the water without taking her eyes off of his. Reaching out, her warm, wet hands traveled over his abdomen, enjoying the rippling feel of his muscular stomach. His whole abdomen dipped in at the touch as he breathed in deeply and suddenly, her fingers seeming to put an electric charge into him that ran through his whole body. Her hand moved up to his chest and, joined by the other one, wrapped around his neck. Her bare chest pressed against his as she looked up at him. All he could do was look back at her - the face and the eyes that had haunted his dreams. His arms automatically wrapped around her, his fingers spreading to feel more of her back as they looked into each other's eyes.

With a little hop, she wrapped her legs around him, her strong arms bringing her face level to his. She weighed so little to him that it was hard to believe she could be such a force of nature. She spoke directly against his mouth, still in that low voice that he thought was going to make him lose his mind.

"This is going to be _good_ , isn't it James." She stretched out the word in a way that gave him gooseflesh, which she immediately noticed. She laughed softly again at his reaction, tilting her head back before returning to kiss him.

It was surprisingly easy to finish disrobing without making her get down - which he in no way wanted her to do. Once his pants were kicked into the other room, he looped one powerful arm underneath her so that she could use her arms to more fully engage in kissing him, which she did.

She was almost dizzy with elation as he leaned her against the wall in the shower, moving his mouth from hers and traveling down her throat. He was suddenly gone; she opened her eyes and lifted her head from where it was thrown back to see him looking down at her. "What?" she whispered. He shook his head slightly, running his eyes down her and back up again, breathing heavily through his nose. She could see his pulse in his throat as he took his free hand and slid it up her body, over her breasts, and allowing his fingers to splay, explore the softness of her neck.

She rolled her head back again and made a mewling sound that just about did him in. He trailed his fingers back down her again, allowing his large thumb to slide between her legs. She gasped and squirmed delightfully, making him smile. Her legs tightened and she arched her back into the wall, shuddering. An incredulous look crossed his face as he realized she was orgasming from that light touch. He kept his finger there until she stopped shaking. She opened her eyes to his pleasantly surprised look.

"It's the first time since before I died, James." She said. Her eyes were sad. He kissed away the sadness, vowing to himself to make sure he did that whenever he saw it there. It seemed to do the trick. She kissed him back passionately, but still with the languor that seemed to be defining this occasion. It was as if she was slowly unfolding into this experience, into him. He had every intention of making the most of it, and let her set the pace.

Guiding himself with his fingers, he slowly pushed into her impossibly tight, lush entrance. Her whole body seemed to get involved with a moan that began at her clenching toes and traveled up her arms, now reaching out to the side and then reaching above her head as if she needed to grab onto something so she didn't float away. He couldn't believe how good she felt; this was far more than any daydream could have provided. Her breath came in little gasps as he worked her, and he began kissing down her throat.

Her whole body was trembling, was she climaxing again? Then he realized - all of that tension she had been storing up, all of that inner turmoil she had refused to let out, was being released with each stroke.

He grinned. Now he knew he had to draw this out as long as he possibly could. He was in no rush, and knew he wouldn't finish until he decided to.

Without leaving her, he grabbed the soap and began gently washing down her body - her beautiful breasts and throat, her long legs and arms. She raised her arms and submitted to the attention, occasionally squirming her hips a little and shuddering. She was so wet he could hardly feel her anymore, but that was okay. This was just the beginning.

Shutting off the water, he grabbed a towel and held it at her back, kissing her as he walked out of the bathroom. Wet footprints tracked into the room to the couch, where he set down the towel and resumed their former position. She immediately began lifting and lowering herself onto him with those same low, throaty moans that drove him crazy. He put one hand on her hip and guided her motion, content to sit and watch her bring herself to climax over and over, his other hand roaming all over her writhing body. Each time she came, the shuddering became less pronounced.

He wasn't just inside of her, he was consuming her; his smell, so long a primal point of attraction for her, was penetrating her senses so deeply that she couldn't imagine the sense existed for any other reason but this moment. She leaned forward against his chest, curving her back forward as she continued the movement while she set her face against his neck and breathed deeply. He put his arms around her, careful not to impede her movement, and enjoyed the feel of having her so close.

Shepard was somewhere beyond the great peace, to a place she hadn't known existed. This was more than sex, it was communion. She recognized that all of the elements of her life had brought her to this place, and provided this one man that could possibly sate her and be her equal. She intended to treasure every moment she had with him until the end. Even now, she knew it wouldn't be long. But she had long accepted that her reprieve from death would be a short one. It was part of the reason why she gave herself so completely to this new, unexpected experience.

With a few more strokes, she cried out and her legs clenched to his. She reached a new, heretofore unknown level of pleasure and moaned loudly into his neck. He held her tighter, loving the feel of her clenching around him. She shuddered out another powerful orgasm.

They sat there, locked together and breathing heavily, until their heartbeats slowed. She sat back and looked at him, and he looked back, caressing the sides of her torso with both of his hands. She twisted her mouth into a wry smile and asked, "What are you waiting for, James?"

"You seemed like you had some catching up to do."

She laughed lightly, freely - an astonishing, musical sound. He stood up, keeping her with him still. "Are you going to keep me like this forever?" she asked in amusement.

"Well, I can try." But he was just teasing - he had other ideas.

He laid her down on the bed and pulled out of her, chuckling when she made a sad sound. "Don't worry, _mamacita_. I'm not finished yet." He lifted one long leg against his chest and kissed the red toenails that had proved to him once and for all how he felt about her, then slid his hand down her inner thigh. She arched to meet him, but he moved his hand underneath her, lifting her up as he bent his head to kiss her there. Her arms flung out and grabbed the covers, pulling them to her as she cried out; he slipped one finger, then two into her as she bucked on his hand. His mouth never left her tiny, swollen bud, kissing it so very softly with moist lips. It was a more divine feeling than she'd ever felt, coming off of such a long and intense dry spell. She laced her fingers though his mohawk and cried out his name hoarsely.

He set her down and pushed back into her, causing the shuddering to start all over again. Her eyes were rolled back in her head in ecstasy while he placed soft kisses on her neck, her chin, her mouth, and traveling down to her breasts. His pace quickened and she continued in this way, again soaking him, again calling his name, until finally he came, whispering her name back just an inch from her ear, his hot breath causing more tremors to flow through her body.

A short while later she finally passed out, draped naked over him on her bed. "K.O." he muttered, stroking her flushed check with his large hand. She was breathing deeply and heavily, completely asleep. It had taken some concerted effort on his part, but he had finally managed to take the edge off the tension she had been storing up for the last two years. He was surprised at the time he saw on the clock across the wall; they'd been at it for several hours. It hadn't seemed that long at all.

Not that he minded. After all, he hadn't been able to fight that day. He was amazed that she had had that kind of energy, but then, she had let him do most of the work. Next time it would probably be totally different. He grinned smugly, looking forward to finding out.

He had gone as slow as he could stand it, letting her slowly relax into this new experience. Not that he could have helped it, really; he never could have imagined that her skin was so impossibly soft under all that armor. Every single inch of her had been caressed and kissed, awakening parts of her that she had forgotten existed. Drawing it out had been more than cathartic for her. That itch finally got scratched.

Deciding not to dislodge her from what was evidently a comfortable position, he flipped the covers over them both and shut his mind off to go to sleep, the way he'd learned in Basic.

* * *

When he woke up, she was dressed and sitting at the table, cleaning her armor. He watched her for a few minutes before speaking up. "You know, there's a machine over there that will do that for you."

She looked up and gave him a breathtaking smile that he had never seen on her before. "Oh, I know. I like to eyeball it after every mission, to look for damage."

"The machine does that too."

She shook her head and shrugged. "It's not the same. I like to _know_." She'd acquired the habit a long time ago, and the routine helped her get her thoughts in order after the action.

He showered and shaved in her large shower, liking not having to bump elbows with other guys downstairs - or see their looks of insecurity when they shaved next to him in the mirror, his towel slung loose around his hips. By the time he finished getting dressed, she had packed up her armor and made the bed. He felt a routine in the making.

He pulled her into his chest, gently wrapping his huge arms around her shoulders. She breathed deeply. He chuckled as he realized that he'd been right the other week – she _had_ been smelling him.

"Come on, Lola." He kept one arm around her shoulder and guided her to the door. "Let's get you fed up. Can't have you getting all weak-kneed 'cause I wore you out last night."

She shook her head, rolling her eyes. His arrogance knew no bounds – and it didn't help that he was right. "The reaper helped, _pendejo_."

He grinned at the sound of her using his slang. She probably didn't even know what it meant. "Oh, is that what you were doing down there. I thought that dance looked familiar."

She couldn't help but draw him into another kiss, her smile keeping the kiss from deepening as the lift doors slid shut behind them.

* * *

**Crew Quarters**

The mess hall was usually crowded at breakfast, and a cheer went up as she entered. Garrus made a show of pulling her chair out and a few people ran to get her some food from the galley as she settled down, ignoring the pleasure she felt at the attention. She didn't like to let it get to her head. _More distractions_ , she thought automatically. _Though_ , her eyes flickering to James as he sat down across the table from her, _there are tolerable exceptions_.

Traynor was speaking animatedly about her impressions of the day before, asking questions that Shepard mostly shrugged off. If she didn't allow the mystique to remain, others would likely try to emulate her risky tactics and get hurt. Leaders had to be careful about that.

Garrus watched silently, noticing that her mood was much lighter than the day before. No – it was lighter than he had _ever_ seen in her before.

James finally spoke up, swallowing his mouthful of protein-laden breakfast. "I don't know how you left it like that, Commander. I would have wanted to pop a few more caps in its hole after it was down, before the light went out. You know, just to rub it in." His hands mimicked the action.

She laughed with the others, and a few of the senior crew members looked at her oddly. When had she ever laughed like that before? "I had the same impulse for a minute, actually. But it would have been childish in front of the Quarians and the Geth."

"That's why you're the Commander, I guess. But you should bring me along next time. I can help you scratch those itches, Lola." He smiled widely.

Instead of slinging a taunt back at him like she normally would have, she met his eyes steadily and ran her tongue over her upper teeth, twirling her spoon between her fingers in a way that made the others in the room feel invisible.

The chatter continued for a while, turning to previous missions. Tongues loosened over the memories, the group responding to this more relaxed Shepard as they ate their breakfast. Garrus watched Shepard and liked what he saw. _Looks like she finally discovered when to surrender_ , he thought.

"That night before Ilos was probably pretty serious. What did you do to prepare?" James wanted to sate some of his curiosity, now that she was opening up.

"Pair up, mostly," Ashley answered him, laughing.

"Really? Who did _you_ pair up with?" James asked.

"None of your damned business."

"Is it sensitive intel, Williamson? I happen to know that-" Shepard began.

"Shut the fuck up, Shep! I don't need this shit from you. The things that _I_ could tell about Ilos…" Ashley threatened.

"Wait, the Commander hooked up with someone? Oh, you have GOT to tell me."

No one said anything, but Ashley and Garrus' eyes flickered to Liara, who seemed unusually occupied with whatever was on her datapad. Shepard had closed her eyes, shaking her head slightly.

James choked on his drink. "For real? Now THAT is hot. Care to put on a show for me, ladies?"

Liara gave James a withering glance. "We were just good friends. Still are."

"That's what I'm sayin'. I don't want to get between 'good friends'. You let me know the time and the place, and I'll just watch."

"Careful, now. That's the Shadow Broker you're talking to." Garrus warned him.

"Got a thing for Asari, huh?" James considered this for a moment. "Aria...?"

" _Hell_ , no. Although," Shepard admitted with a guilty shrug, "I did pass out in Purgatory that once and woke up in her lap."

"I remember." He nodded, biting his lower lip as he pictured it in a new light, a grin toying at the corner of his mouth. Then he directed his attention back to her. "Seriously, what universe did you come from? You destroyed the Collector Base, you're best buds with the last Rachni queen, you cured the Krogan genophage, you chat with Reapers like it's just another day and, oh, you've fucked the Shadow Broker. Have I missed anything?"

"Grunt's Thresher maw." Garrus chimed in.

"Yeah. That too. And I'm sure there lots of other stuff you haven't told me yet, because it doesn't seem like a big deal in comparison."

"Saving the Citadel from Sovereign." Ashley said, raising her hand.

"Bringing us ALL back alive from the Collector Base." Donnelly added. "That was a task all by itself."

"Okay, that's enough." Shepard was getting uncomfortable. "I had help with literally all of that."

"Not the thresher maw." Garrus said, shaking his head. "That was all you."

"How about yesterday?" Joker added. "You killed a reaper with a _hand-held_ orbital targeter. I mean, _come on_." Others laughed in agreement, beginning to call out other achievements, when James spoke up.

"You know what, Lola? I think I'm falling in love with you." James' face was completely serious.

Her eyes got huge and she froze in place. It was as if someone had hit her with a stasis field.

Suddenly, the dozen or so other people in the room grabbed their stuff and cleared out, muttering about duty rosters. The two of them sat, staring at each other, while dishes were tossed in the sink and footsteps faded away. A minute later, the mess hall was empty but for them. His eyes didn't leave hers.

Eventually, she spoke. "You missed something."

"What?"

"Coming back from the dead." Shepard's quiet voice rang in the room.

He looked at her for a few moments, absorbing her mood. "Did you really?"

"What?"

"Come back."

The double meaning in his words caught her off-guard. "No, I guess not. Not completely."

"Are you going to?"

She gave him a slow smile. "I guess that depends on you, Vega. If I can do all of that, then I'm sure you can manage this one little thing."

"Tall order. But I'm up to the challenge. Might take a while." He smiled back, gazing at her confidently.

She stood and slowly walked around the table to where he was lounging in the chair. When she got near, he put out a hand, palm up, in which she placed her hand. When he pulled her to sit on one of his legs, she smoothly slid one arm around his shoulders and looked down at him, holding his eyes. With her other hand, she stroked his face, from temple to chin, then slid her hand behind his smooth, hard neck. Leaning forward, she touched her lips to his. They both closed their eyes, branding this moment into their memories.

After a few moments, slowly releasing him, she sat back. He had an intense look on his face and didn't seem inclined to break the silence. His hand was rubbing the small of her back as he looked at her.

She spoke softly. "I don't know what love feels like. I've never been in love before. But…" she sighed. "For the first time since I died, I don't feel like I'm stealing time. You make me want to _live_. "

"Not because of the war?"

"That's different. There will always be a fight, and someone like me will always fight them. Someone like you," She ran her fingers through the longer hair on top of his head softly as she said this.

He was moved by this gentle side of her. He had had no hint that it existed. The tough warrior was still dominant, even now. But the warrior was letting this other Shepard out, just for him.

"What's your first name?" he asked.

She laughed, still gentle. "Faith. But please, call me Lola."

He pulled her down, wrapping his arms around her, and she rested her cheek on his shoulder.

The doctor, watching through the window from the med bay, smiled. They might all make it through after all.


	10. Ramping Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How do you prepare for the biggest fight of your life when you just found the person you want to be with?

**Music:**

**_Drive_ , Incubus**

**Sometimes I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear**  
And I cant help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear take the wheel and steer  
It's driven me before, it seems to have a vague haunting mass appeal  
Lately I'm beginning to find that I should be the one behind the wheel _ _  
__

_Bioware owns these characters._

* * *

**Cronos Station: Cerberus Headquarters**

It had been more than two weeks since the Rannoch mission, but an important battle was looming. Alliance intelligence had discovered the location of Cerberus headquarters on Cronos Station, and the fleet had rushed to destroy the base and prevent the Illusive Man from helping the Reapers any more than he already had. Shepard, Garrus and EDI had boarded the station to a few tight fights and a lot of tearing shit up until they reached a familiar room - familiar to Shepard, at least.

The long, gleaming video screen shone painfully bright from the giant star outside. EDI hacked into the main console and uncovered information that proved the situation was worse than they had previously assumed: the Citadel had been stolen and was above Earth under Reaper control. But their immediate situation was about to become more precarious.

"You shouldn't have overstayed your welcome, Shepard." Kai Leng's snide voice cut through the organic team member's shock. EDI had calculated 83 separate methods of attack (her favorite prime number), overruled all but the three most likely to succeed, and had begun moving to cover before he had finished speaking the first word. Garrus automatically dove behind the console, readying his rifle as he went. She was always impressed with the way he operated in battle, almost like an AI.

No one was more like her than Shepard, though, far more so than anyone knew. EDI had long admired the Commander and modeled her programming to emulate her behavior. Since she had decided to live alongside and with organics, the most logical conclusion was to replicate the behavioral patterns and choices of the most successful ones. Being a combat intelligence AI on the _Normandy_ , the choice had been clear. If EDI had a mother, it was Shepard, right down to being birthed from her pain back on Luna. She had imprinted early.

Immediately EDI readied an overload, hitting Kai Leng to weaken his shield as he charged the Commander. As Shepard fought him off in hand-to-hand, Garrus struck the assassin with a perfect headshot that blasted him sideways. The assassin, enhanced with synthetics, used the force of the hit to spin into a windmill kick, hitting the Commander and causing her to roll into the nearby pit, where she immediately took cover. Cerberus agents began dropping from the ceiling as Garrus and EDI dove after her.

"Ready warp ammo and focus on the agents. I'll take care of the kid," Shepard ordered, tossing a grenade over the lip of the hole.

It was difficult to see anything with the glare of the giant star in the viewscreen they faced, a serious disadvantage for the organics in her squad. EDI tried without success to hack the screen and shut it down. While in this limited form so far from the _Normandy_ , EDI experienced spurts of data loss when she tried to complete advanced tasks during the fight; the organics would likely call it "frustration". At least they didn't have the smoke veils that Shepard so disliked.

Turning her attention from this evidently pointless task, she used what RAM she had available to override the automatic seals on the agents' armor, weakening them before throwing overload down into the pit where they hid, popping up to fire at her shipmates. Simultaneously, her little Arc Cannon pummeled their enemies. Tali had provided the weapon not long before Horizon, and it quickly became her standby due to its complimentary qualities for her extensive tech expertise.

Garrus and Shepard relentlessly attacked a short distance from her, carefully timing their shots to each other so their cover wouldn't get rushed during a reload. They obviously had used this technique in the past, not having said a word about implementation.

Their teamwork "paid off in spades", as Jeff would say. The agents were dispatched efficiently by their powerful little squad, and Kai Leng, though tough, was motivated purely by cybernetic enhancements. His excess of revenge/hate (EDI did not separate the two, as most humans did not in her experience) could not prevail against Shepard's calculated cool on the field, accompanied by her and Garrus' varying and effective skills.

Kai Leng dropped with an audible grunt, dark blood pouring from under the ocular implants that covered his eyes. Without a backward look, Shepard walked to the Illusive Man's console and began acquiring the data she needed on the Catalyst.

EDI approached the viewscreen, using her external sensors the pull data streams from the outer console. It was here that she discovered several thousand iterations of code 'worms' that had been planted as protection against just what they were doing. They were meant to stay hidden in the data until it approached a local vector with the Catalyst, at which time it would eat away at key processes within communication and defense.

Cunning, but no match for an AI of her complexity. _Mr. Harper should know better_ , EDI thought as she "squished" the worms. It would not have occurred to her, at her still young stage of evolution, to tell the others that she knew the name of the Illusive Man.

Quickly turning when she heard the sound of an electronic current, she witnessed Kai Leng's sword slamming into the console that Shepard was working on. The Commander's instincts were extraordinary, having swung out of the way at the last second and using the virtual blade on her omni tool to quickly dispatch her opponent.

It was in moments like these that EDI had her sensors attuned most acutely to the Commander, gathering information on action, response, causality and prediction algorithms. Here was her mentor, consistently exceeding the programming that she had been created with. Her sensor servers hummed in overdrive as she absorbed this new information and catalogued it with previous data acquired.

The most unusual thing about the Commander, in EDI's opinion, was her ability to choose her action without emotion, seemingly without time delay. The flush of her skin and heartbeat indicated that she was indeed recovering from the condition that Dr. Chakwas had discussed with her in the Starboard Observation Lounge 12.6 days ago. Her newly discovered relationship with Lieutenant Vega had actually increased her response time, which was against what EDI's research on the matter revealed. Most humans would not do well with additional "distractions"; it was a word that Shepard often muttered quietly to herself.

Data recovered, the victorious team returned to the Normandy. The cargo bay's rails clamped onto the vessel and Cortez powered down the engines, releasing the door. Outside, as had happened over the few missions since Rannoch, a small group awaited. They had learned to back off a little, helping the others with their equipment as they asked questions instead of mobbing them with congratulations. The crew's morale was increasingly tied to the success of these missions.

It was rare that one of them approached EDI, but she suspected the cause was that, after all of her time as the _Normandy's_ AI, they understood that she was accessible from anywhere in the ship. This body didn't have the attraction for them that it did for others, like Jeff.

EDI watched as the Commander leaped out of the shuttle and jogged the short distance to where Lieutenant Vega was waiting, leaning against his usual spot on the other side of the cargo bay with a smile on his face. He put his arm around her waist and whispered in her ear what no one else could have heard, "Welcome home, Lola." They kissed and walked to the lift, his arm still around her.

She had learned a lot watching the two of them interact. The most interesting part of their relationship was that it they so often employed wordless communication in private, but in public they communicated via humor and double entendre. She had taken these lessons and applied them to her own interactions with Jeff, with a high degree of success in making him smile.

Her voice was already in the cockpit, preceding her body's entry as she waited for the next lift, wishing to give the Commander and the Lieutenant some privacy. She had also disabled the elevator controls on every floor but Deck 1 to ensure that they were not disturbed until they had reached her quarters.

"Jeff, I am en route to the cockpit, ETA three minutes. I did not suffer any damage worth noting, although you may wish to check my rear panels for durability and resilience later."

"Then get up here and let me smack that ass, EDI. Welcome home."

Edie was gratified that he had used the same final words as the Lieutenant Vega. Her initiative to preserve in herself the prime qualities of humanity's most successful warrior was, so far, an overwhelming success. No matter what happened when they reached Earth, she would ensure that Shepard was never forgotten.

* * *

**Port Observation Lounge**

The crew was having what they all knew was probably their last poker night before they reached Earth. There was an undercurrent of tension that gave their laughter a hint of desperation, but at the same time they looked forward to the battle to come. This was it; the battle they had prepared their whole lives for. The only one that mattered.

The poker game was in full swing when Shepard walked in, her formal report to Admiral Hackett on the Cerberus Headquarters assault completed. A heartbeat of surprised silence was followed by the enthusiastic welcome of her crew. She flushed at their reception, wondering why this had taken her so long to do.

It was standing room only in the little alcove, with several people standing or sitting on the couch just outside. But she didn't care – her object was in the back corner, a satisfied smile on his face. He waved her over.

Sidestepping the people who readily moved out of her way, she negotiated the cramped area around the table to where Vega sat. He lifted an arm and welcomed her into his lap. She tucked her feet under herself and made herself at home there, looking far smaller to the others than they had ever seen her, though her presence was still larger than life. Especially when she smiled like that.

Joker was the first to crack a joke about it, as usual. "Hey, Vega, you sure are relaxed these days. Care to share your secret?"

Snickers abounded, but James didn't miss a beat. "Now I have something to do between missions." He deadpanned.

Over the surprised laughter, Joker tried again to discompose him. "I thought you might have started doing yoga or listening to trance music."

"It would be better than that electronica crap she likes," James said, inclining his head toward Shepard without looking up from his cards. "I need to get her some new music, because that repetitive shit gets old real fast."

"You gonna decorate my room too, Vega?" Shepard asked. "Could be an interesting second career choice."

"Don't I already? I mean, I don't work on these every day just to make you blush, Lola." James replied, lifting his arm and flexing.

Shaking her head and smiling, Shepard put her arm around his neck leaned in close to him. "You do that anyway, James." She said softly into his ear. He smiled and anted up.

The game lasted long into the night. People came and went, often in pairs. It reminded her of suicide missions they had already come back from, but instead of bringing her mind somewhere dark like it would have before, Shepard was glad that they were able to find comfort in each other's arms.

"I'm not sure whether you're a good luck charm for getting us out of everything we've been through, or a magnet for the biggest, baddest enemies this galaxy can cough up." Garrus commented as he folded a little later.

"The first one. We're still alive." Shepard replied.

"You can be both. And I think you are. I'm not knocking it – it's a good combo. You work it like a champ." Garrus shrugged.

Ashley nodded. "I've seen you do a lot of crazy, risky shit, Shep. I never understood how you always came out on top."

Shepard's answer was as profound as it was quietly spoken. "There's nothing risky about counting on this crew. I know that no matter what cliff I jump off of, you all will be there to pull me out again. I couldn't do it without you." She looked at each face around the table, her eyes lingering on the crew that had been with her longest, and finally resting on James. No one said anything, so she went on.

"I wish I could promise that I could deliver you safely to the other side of this war, have us all come out on top. I'll do my very best, take any risks I have to, to make that happen. I know you all will, too. The people on this ship are the best chance this galaxy has of survival – not just for this cycle, but in all cycles to come."

She could see that she had made them thoughtful, so she decided to share her private thoughts. "Our true goal isn't to take the Catalyst back, or to even save Earth. It's to stop the Reapers now and forever. They aren't coming back in 50,000 years to terrorize our progeny, not after we're done. Even if we stop them from taking Earth today, we have to make sure it _never_ happens again. So many have been lost already."

A silence followed her powerful words. James had a sudden insight into the way she thought; unlike him, her vision expanded well beyond the here and now. That was why her strategy was sound, why she didn't question her actions in the present. She had the ability to see beyond the choice, beyond even her own life, to do the right thing.

There was much more, things she knew that no one at this table could have truly understood. They didn't need to see as far as she saw, as clearly as the choices were each time for her. They weren't ready; she may be the only person alinve who could handle it. That's why she'd been given this task. They didn't need that kind of burden, and the knowing would indeed be a burden for children of life, as these beings were. Not like her, reborn from death and proved by new love.

Shepard unfolded herself from James' lap and stood up, raising her glass. Chairs scraped as the others joined her.

"Raise your glass for the fallen…. on Earth, Palavin, Thessia, Tuchanka, Dakuuna…" she recited every major colony in the galaxy, taking time to look at the crew who represented those worlds at the table. "And to our fallen shipmates. Kaidan. Thane. Mordin. Legion." She continued, naming each name listed on the memorial by the lift. "We salute the fallen." She rose her glass to her lips.

"Wait." Ashley said. "You forgot one."

Shepard looked at her, confused. No way could she forget any one of her crew.

"It's you," Garrus said. "We watched _you_ fall."

"I don't belong with them." She immediately rejected the idea with a sweep of her hand. Honor for the dead didn't extend to the one lucky one that came back.

"That's right. You belong with us." James said, putting his arm around her waist and pulling her close. She looked into his eyes for a moment, then raised her glass.

"For every life that's been lost in this cycle and in every cycle for the last age: the age of the Reapers ends tomorrow. To the fallen, and to our victory!"

* * *

**Cargo Bay**

The next morning, the _Normandy_ was in a rush of preparation for the coming battle. Everything nonessential from around the ship was being stowed in storage spaces under the decking and the structural integrity of the ship was being gone over with a fine-toothed comb. Each person was in a frenzy of activity, and Shepard was no exception.

She made the time to go down to see how work was coming along, and to steal a few moments with James. He was busy working in the armory, modding his favorite Wraith V shotgun. She decided to go and wait for him in his corner of the cargo bay, so she walked by without disturbing him.

Most of his equipment had been packed away. His heavy bag and weights were stowed and strapped into the large stack of crates along the wall, but his work bench was still there. A smaller crate sat open and partially full on the surface, where he was putting the last of his belongings. Each crew member had a personal crate like this which was being stored in the mess hall, the center of the ship, as a safeguard against a hull breech.

Approaching it, she saw an orange light glowing from within. Curious, she picked up the little data display.

Most of the picture was dominated by the side of James' face in his helmet. He was wearing a wide grin as he looked back over his shoulder at an Atlas with a shattered canopy. Inside, looking like she was having the time of her life, was herself. She'd never seen a look like that on her face in the mirror.

James had to have grabbed it immediately after the mission. The armor suit's memory was scrubbed after it dumped the med results into the main computer, so time would have been very limited. He may have even had to run to the terminal to stop the dump.

"I wanted to remember that look forever," his voice came from behind her. She turned around, shock still on her face. "I knew that there was something special about you, more than just the stories told. I wanted to fight beside you all the time; that's why I got so angry when you left me behind."

She reached up and touched his face. "James." There was a world of meaning behind the way she said his name.

He picked her up and set her on the table behind her. They kissed for a long time, passing crew elbowing each other and smiling knowingly.

When they finally broke apart, she kept her arms around his neck and looked into his eyes. He looked back for a minute, then tilted his head in thought.

"There's something I have to know, Lola."

"What?"

"Who are you taking to London tomorrow?"

She laughed, tossing her head back. "To fight the Reapers on Earth? The biggest, baddest battle of all time? I'm taking my bulldogs, of course. I wouldn't have it any other way."

Whooping with excitement, he lifted her up and spun her around. This was the fight he'd waited his whole life for, and she'd be right at his side.


	11. Return to Earth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard talks to her crew on Earth before the final push.

**Music: _Wait for the Wintertime_ , Yeasayer**

_Bioware owns these characters_

* * *

**Earth:** **London Resistance Headquarters**

Shepard found James in the alley beside the line of Makos. He was pacing back in forth, agitated and angry.

Watching Cortez and the shuttle go down in flames had caused James to immediately go into a killing rage. It had helped them at the time, being ambushed by banshees and cannibals on their way to shutting down the Hades cannon, but she knew that he'd burn himself out if he didn't come to terms with it.

"I'm so sorry, James. Cortez was a good friend to us both, but you knew him longest."

He shook his head, jaw clenched. "I'm gonna kill all of those fuckers."

Anger was okay, but this close to grief there was a danger zone she didn't want him to get caught up in. Shepard approached him and set her hand on his arm. "Is there anything I can do?"

He looked at her, breathing heavily and chewing on his lower lip like he was trying not to yell. Suddenly, he grabbed her and pulled her close by her shoulders, looking into her eyes just a few inches away. "Are you gonna die on me too, Lola? I know you know, so just fuckin' tell me."

Her eyes were calm, meeting his as she answered truthfully, "Yes."

His teeth bared and he squeezed her tighter, growling. It began to hurt but she didn't let it show. She just met his eyes levelly until he calmed down.

He finally rested his forehead against hers. "I don't want to lose you." His arms loosened and he put his hand on the back of her neck, pulling her closer.

"It's only when you have something to lose, that you truly understand what's possible." She whispered to him. He looked confused, but she smiled. "James, some day you _will_ lose me. This was always going to happen. Accept this, and don't lose your focus on the fight. You can't save me from dying."

"Or anyone else." His enthusiasm had waned, she could tell. Depression was setting in as he looked across the ruin that had once been a thriving human metropolis. He was still in the danger zone. She needed his fighting spirit alive.

"Don't forget about what we're here to do. It's not about _us_ surviving. It's about stopping the Reapers from ever coming back. The mission is more important than both of us." She purposefully used his own words.

The dark look in his hazel eyes slowly faded. She was right; this was the fight of all fights, and he was on the front lines. This was everything he'd ever wanted. And she was here with him. He pulled her closer, touching their faces together as they shared a breath, their eyes closing. Despite their bulky armor, it was a very intimate moment.

"Hey guys, we have to get going soon. The enemy is on the move." Ashley said from behind them. She was pointing to the Destroyer they had seen on the way in, which had moved closer. "It's between us and the Conduit now." She jogged toward the command outpost, letting them finish their moment in privacy.

"Fuck." James said, shaking his head, but she could tell he was already thinking strategy. She hoped this healthier attitude would hold through what was to come.

She started to pull away, but he held her close. "Wait. I'm not done."

He looked at her until he was sure he had her full attention, and then he kissed her. "I know you'll do the right thing. If we come out of this alive, though…" He shook his head. "You and I are gonna have a serious conversation."

"Somehow I doubt that talking will be on our minds." She said with good humor. Whatever he wanted, she'd be right there next to him. If they both made it. "Anderson expects us in the command outpost. Come on."

* * *

**Command Outpost**

"I'm glad you're here, Shepard, more than you know. The resistance looks up to you." Anderson said once they got upstairs. "It'll do them good just to know you're here, fighting with them."

"I'm just a soldier, same as they are." She shook her head. There several others in the room that she knew; Liara, Wrex, Ashley, Garrus and a few people from the Citadel, all of whom snorted in disbelief at her words.

"You're not, and they need you to be more than that. Please remember that, Shepard." Anderson said.

It was good advice. Their morale was more important than her modesty, and she needed their resolve. She nodded her agreement. She could put her feelings aside.

The rest of the team was called up. While she waited, Shepard walked to the broken window looking toward the Conduit and leaned forward on the windowsill. James moved to her and put his arm around her waist. She leaned her head against his shoulder and they both gazed out over the bombed-out landscape beyond the artillery.

"I thought that's the way it would go." Anderson said from beside her. They both looked at his grinning face. "Told you he was hand-picked."

"Then I owe you one." Shepard smiled back, instantly reading his meaning. "You're a good friend."

"After you saved Kaylee? You don't owe me anything, Shepard."

"Wait, you set us up?" James asked, slow on the pickup.

"With what we knew was coming, you think I'd take one of our best fighters off the front line for guard duty?" Anderson asked. "Bringing you to Earth had several objectives; it kept you out of trouble and you kept Shepard from losing her mind." He chuckled. "I knew you'd keep her busy. I just didn't think it would take you this long."

"I think everyone knew it was coming but them." Wrex said from nearby. "She starts stinking up the place with human pheromones every time he comes near her." Garrus nodded in agreement. Shepard slowly shook her head in barely concealed embarrassment as James laughed.

"Garrus mentioned you saw some recordings on Project Lazarus at Cronos," Anderson said, by way of changing the subject. James' head turned to look at her, surprised; she hadn't said anything about it to him.

"They didn't tell me anything I hadn't already figured out for myself."

"Do you remember anything from back then?" Anderson asked.

She looked up, assessing his motivations for asking, and decided to answer. "Yes. Not the recovery of the body, not too much anyway… there were brief, painful periods when the sedatives wore off toward the end. But before that…" She was looking into the void again, then looked at James and smiled. "There isn't much to say about it, and we've got work to do." The peaceful presence was waiting, but it no longer called to her.

"Right." Anderson nodded, turning back to the comm console.

James was still looking at her. She answered the unspoken question. "I'm not afraid of what comes after. And I'm glad that while I live, I have you. That's all that matters." She shrugged – not flippantly, but as if there really was nothing more to it.

He still just looked at her, waiting for the empty look to come back. Seeing his distress, she leaned in close and whispered in his ear. "If you want to make sure I'm still back from the dead, we might be able to find a quiet corner somewhere." He growled and kissed her passionately before she pushed him away.

"Give me a minute. There's something I need to do."

She had spoken with most of her squad members already, but she hadn't seen Javik until she came upstairs. They hadn't had much opportunity to speak in the past, and this could be her last chance.

Walking into the next room, she saw him looking out of a gaping hole in the concrete. Javik turned to face her when she walked in. "Your species fight with passion, but with little skill. I'm surprised they have held out this long against the Reapers."

"Mostly there are only civilians left, Javik. Try to be understanding. Our defenses were overwhelmed when the Reapers came."

"Because they did not prepare, did not heed the warnings of their greatest warrior. Such foolishness is unprecedented in advanced civilization. It seems the human race has much further to come, should any of you survive."

"It's our last stand. You could try to be a little less insulting when we're facing the same destruction that you faced."

He looked at her a moment, then looked away. A breath fluttered the slits under his eyes. "No cycle has ever come as far as this one. I am impressed with your effort. I am impressed with you."

"With me?" This was very different from his usually condescending attitude. Was he being patronizing? That seemed out of character.

"From what I know, most cycles had one or two dominant species, both of which were wiped out by the Reapers. They rarely lived alongside each other. This cycle is quite different than what I would have expected, and for some reason the Reapers have determined that the greatest threat is the human race. Otherwise they would not have concentrated their effort here, brought the Citadel into orbit. I don't understand their reasoning, but evidence would indicate that it is the case."

"It was the Protheans' doing, you know." She said. "If you hadn't uplifted so many species, we wouldn't be here."

"And if my people hadn't been destroyed, we would have subjugated out of you the very qualities that made this possible. That made _you_ possible." Shepard was surprised at his obvious sincerity. For the first time, she felt like she was seeing through his emotional armor.

He continued. "I was the avatar of my cycle. I am the embodiment of revenge for the Protheans. You, however, are much more."

"I don't understand."

He shook his head in irritation, showing a flicker of superiority again. "I was only the avatar for one species in my cycle. You are the avatar for many, united. You are an extraordinary gift. I have begun to believe you will achieve where so many have failed. I believe I will witness you trigger the Catalyst."

She hadn't considered it from this aspect, but he was right. She had led the battle on all fronts, united the species. It was not something she had asked for, but for some reason that made it okay. She was reminded of what Anderson had said, about allowing others to see her as a symbol. In this circumstance, she decided she could accept this role, temporary as it was. She figured that avatars generally didn't survive long, Javik excepted. Appropriate.

"You said an avatar embodies a particular quality. What do you think mine is?"

"That is for you to discover. It may happen, as it did with me, in the final moment." He met her eyes with his cold, steady gaze. "I know what haunts your mind, Shepard. I respect your resolve and dedication to the life in this galaxy while you reject the siren call of the great peace. It is likely that is part of it."

Shepard's eyes widened. This conversation had taken a disturbing turn. But she should have known that he could read her struggle, with his telepathic abilities.

"Do not deny yourself the completion of your purpose. Find the quality of your avatar, and you will know what to do-" Javik pointed his finger at the beam of white light in the distance, "when you go through the Conduit." She nodded, knowing that in time she would understand. All too soon, she would be there.

Javik turned toward her, putting out his hand. Gratified, she shook it firmly. "It has been an honor knowing you, Commander. Once this battle is finished, should I survive, I will return to the graves of my crew and give them peace. Then I will join them. I know that you would do the same in my place."

Their eyes locked as communication flowed between the two avatars. This being who had been so cold and distant was more like her than she knew. If she had been frozen in time and woken up with all of the people she loved dead and gone, she could have turned out just the same. She understood his decision completely.

"Our cycle, my life, this battle would not have been possible without the Protheans. I will never forget the sacrifice of so many noble lives, and I'll make sure that others know it, too."

He bowed his head, accepting the praise. "Thank you, Commander. I hope that your attachment to honor is not your undoing in the end."

She turned to the business at hand. "I want you to lead one of the squads. It's only right that you should be with us for our last stand." He nodded, his head lifting at the prospect of the battle ahead. "Please come with me. I'm addressing the squads before we leave."

They walked into the other room, facing the others. All but James, who moved to stand at her side.

"Garrus and James are with me, making straight for the Conduit. Javik, take Ashley and EDI to the missile launcher; I'm depending on you to bring that Reaper down. Remember Rannoch and wait for the iris to open to fire. Liara and Tali are staying here to direct the other troops, coming through from the west in a direct assault to keep the destroyer from noticing our setup. There _will_ be heavy losses." Faces were grim at her statement.

"The greatest fight of any age is just moments away. Your resolve will determine the results of this battle. I've been with you all long enough to know that of all ages, we have the best chance of success. Our Prothean companion has confirmed this, and you know his praise is not lightly given."

A few eyebrows were raised at this, but they let her continue. Her quiet words, as always, were lifting their flagging spirits. "We have only one objective in this battle: get me to the Conduit. To do that, we have to take down the Destroyer. Once this is accomplished, the Crucible, the Citadel and all life in our galaxy will be safe from the Reapers.

"It seems impossible that it's only the few in this room that will turn the tide. With the loss of life our galaxy has suffered at the hands of the reapers, many lose hope. But we know better. We know the power of the few, and have watched a single person, or a small team, accomplish what an army never could. The future of all life depends on our actions today, and that gives me more hope than any other words I can possibly say now. Because I say them to you, the finest, bravest sentient beings of our time. We will fight, we will bleed, and we will win."

Heads were nodding, looking around at each other as she finished. "Now, let's go punch a hole in that fucker." The crew cheered and moved to collect their gear.

She was glad that their energy had picked up after telling them what they wanted and needed to hear to fight to their best ability. She had shelved her feelings through her speech, planting a look of hope on her face for their benefit.

But her purpose was different than they could possibly know – even James, wrapped up in their newfound love, didn't understand the true depth of her understanding of the Reapers. She had different objectives, different goals than the troops around her. The Reapers would soon discover this, to their detriment.


	12. The Conduit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Conduit brings a surprising end to Shepard's fight.

**Music:**

**Would, Alice in Chains**

**Have I run too far to get home?**  
Have I gone?  
And left you here alone?  
If I would, could you?

_Bioware owns these characters_

* * *

The battle so far had been incredibly tough, but they were only a few streets away from where the destroyer was laying waste to their remaining troops. A large open area could be seen ahead through the tumbled concrete, and beyond that was a dark, narrow alley between them and their route past the killing field.

"Definitely an ambush." Garrus murmured.

"No choice. Just stay alert. Move out." Shepard replied.

They pushed ahead to the first cover they found. Shepard sent a defense drone ahead into the area, but it was quickly destroyed when half a dozen marauders came running out of the building to their left. They had just begun their counter-assault when two banshees leaped down from the roof of the building to their right and a brute came barreling through the alley ahead, followed by many cannibals.

"Fucking hell!" James muttered.

"Garrus, switch to sniper and focus on the brute. I'll take the banshees. James, take point and distract those marauders and cannibals until we can get to them."

James looked at her for a split second before trucking into the horde with a shout. Garrus came over the comm as he quickly climbed to the first floor of the nearby building. "Shep, what are you doing? You'll get him killed! We should stay together and back off, go slower…"

She sighed in exasperation as she unloaded into the banshee. "There's no _time_ anymore. Garrus, you're my best friend and I love James, but for this fight I'll throw him, you, me and everything else I can find at them like a goddamn grenade if I have to." The banshee screeched as it rushed her. She rolled a lift grenade under its feet as she bolted for new cover. "Now stop with the chatter and fuckin' fight!" She shouted into the comm.

" _That's right_ , Lola! I got your back!" James shouted, an unexpected note of glee in his voice. Then she realized that it was the first time she said she loved him. It would probably give him enough of an extra boost to survive this fight. She smiled as she swung to the right, reloading her Mattock and warping the banshee.

She was lucky enough to find a missile launcher near the corner of the crumbling building the banshees had dropped out of. Not stopping to gloat, she armed it and destroyed the shrieking abomination, then ran to help James. The other banshee followed her in jerky surges, triggering the proximity mines that Garrus had planted behind Shepard as she ran away from his position. By time she reached James, it just took a few headshots to take care of her.

The two of them chipped away at the swarm of cannibals and marauders steadily, backing into the wall behind them. Garrus, firing one last round into the Brute that had been struggling to reach him, began thinning the herd with his sniper rifle. It wasn't took long after that they made their way into the alleyway, leaving a pile of bodies behind them. Shepard had taken point and was creeping quietly when she felt a new rumble in the ground – a closer rumble than the powerful cannon of reaper a short distance away.

Two Brutes came tearing around the corner at the end of the narrow way, crashing into the cement walls with incredible force. Cement chips went flying as they came at her, roaring in battle lust. She ducked and rolled, moving quickly enough to use her omni-tool's virtual blade to strike the first one under the arm in the soft part of its armor as it passed, but the second Brute hit her with full force, flinging her high into the air. She slammed into the opposite wall with a sickening crack and fell to the ground.

She heard James shout of anger, so similar to the one she had heard after Cortez died, and Garrus called her name. She tried to say she was okay – she thought she was, anyway – but only a grunt came out. _At least he'll know I'm still alive_ , she thought.

They took several minutes to finish off the Brutes in the narrow space before coming to check on her. By then she was pulling herself up. "Nothing's broken, I don't think. Just a little dazed."

Garrus and James looked at her with concern as she stood up. "Are you sure?"

She shook her head to clear it and readied her rifle. "I used a medi-gel. I'll be okay now that I had a moment's rest. Come on." Watching her carefully, they followed her out of the alley. She did her best to hide how shaky she felt, but she kept going. She was glad she had taken Chakwas' advice; the adrenaline coursing through her was probably the difference between passing out right there and finishing the mission.

They reached the field just as Javik's team landed a final missile in the iris of the destroyer, which tumbled over with the sound of rending metal. A distant cheer could be heard and they saw, distant through the smoke, the remaining foot soldiers running toward the Conduit. The three of them grinned at each other and began running too... until a shadowy shape descended behind the Conduit, a reaper that dwarfed the destroyer they had just seen go down.

Harbinger. She knew it as soon as she saw it, without knowing why. As if it knew she was there, it turned toward them and began blasting the area where they ran, mostly ignoring the troops coming in from the west. They did their best to dodge its attacks while they jumped over piles of debris and bodies, keeping close to cover when possible.

Time began to slow. The cannon hit closer and closer, and the heat began to affect her vision… she saw bodies everywhere, lying broken and beaten… saw James blown backward into a twisted mako and slump over… saw Garrus go down in a shower of fallout and not get back up...

Her mind was consumed with the noise of conflict until everything went silent. She was continually blasted with debris. It was all color and light, fire and pain as she now trudged, inch by precious inch through the killing field. Yet incredibly, the cannon still didn't hit her… still didn't bring her down… then the burning washed over her and she dropped to her knees, crawling forward…

It seemed she could hear Harbinger's voice in her mind, doing its best to demoralize her. _It must really be scared of me_ , she concluded, and her aching face twisted into a smile.

The Conduit. It was just a few yards away. She dragged herself up, gripping the side of the burned-out vehicle next to her. The bright, white light felt so close, yet so far, and it was impossible that she'd come so far already… husks ran to her from the corner of her vision and her hand automatically rose with a gun she didn't realize she still had…

James watched her through hazy vision, stumbling as she tried to reach the beam. More enemies attacked, but she dispatched the husks seemingly without looking, her arm sagging with exhaustion. He watched her approach the beam with achingly slow progress and, covering her eyes from the glare, she entered the beam without hesitation.

 _Fearless_. He thought in admiration, just before he passed out.

* * *

**Somewhere Else**

Red. Everything was red.

Painfully, Shepard pulled herself up to her knees. It was difficult; the floor was incredibly slick. It took her several moments to regain her eyesight enough to see the bodies piled all around her in the dimly lit room. Blood was everywhere, the blood of all species mixed together to form a sickening, coagulated grey mess that clung to her armor as she tried to stand up. There was just enough conscious thought operating for her to notice and pick up her sidearm, resting nearby.

She could see a doorway ahead. She made for it, not knowing where it would lead but knowing that she certainly couldn't stay in this tomb. Once she got her boots on the floor it was easier, but the going was rough, injured as she was. She passed a Keeper, which hardly noticed her presence as it stood at a terminal. She ignored it since it didn't bother her, channeling all of her focus into getting to the door.

 _One foot in front of the other, Faith_ , she told herself. A distant, quiet part of her mind was surprised at this revelation – that her strength actually came from this small part of herself, the gentle part. The part she only ever shared with James.

Anderson came over her omni-tool comm. "Shepard, where are you? Are you injured?"

What was he doing up here? "I'm not sure where I am. I think it's part of the Citadel. I just saw a Keeper." She was surprised to hear herself say. It didn't feel like her mouth was moving. There was too much pain. She couldn't answer his question about how she was physically. It was something she didn't want to think about.

"I'm in some kind of hallway – it looks like a long chasm. What do you see?"

The doorway slid open in front of her and she stepped through. She trailed long threads of blood behind her, pulling at her feet as if they didn't want to let her go. Her focus was absolute on keeping her feet moving, her arms dangling loosely at her sides.

"I think I see the chasm." She said, again surprised to hear herself speak. And indeed, there was a wide opening that ran off in either direction, inaccessible from the walkway.

"We must be close then. I see a room ahead, there's some kind of console… I'm going to try to…" Static cut off his words. A small part of her mind wondered what happened, but immediately relinquished curiosity for the immediate concern of right foot, left foot up the long ramp ahead of her.

The room at the top reminded her very much of the Illusive Man's control room. It looked out over some area of the Citadel she had never seen. Anderson had his back to her at the console in the middle of the room, swaying slightly. She called out to him, and he turned.

His eyes were distant, cold… indoctrinated, she thought, just as she began to feel an incredible force push at her mind. She cried out, gasping and stumbling forward. Harbinger's voice came again, with predictions of doom. The violation wasn't painful, but it offended her essential humanity… only she was not an ordinary human. She resisted at first, but feeling the force strengthen in direct relation to her will, she quickly realized it was feeding off of her resistance. Immediately, she surrendered her will and let the intrusion pass through her, sputtering out like a choking fire. She smiled painfully, feeling a twinge in her jaw and ear as the muscles shifted.

"You always did pass up the best opportunities, Shepard."

From the corner of her hazy vision, the Illusive Man stepped into the middle of the room. Had he been there the whole time? It didn't matter. She kept moving forward.

The attack came again, this time forcing her hand up, the one with the gun in it. Evidently it was easier for them to move her body than her mind. Her blood began to pump harder as the weapon shakily centered on her friend. Anderson raised his hand in a feeble attempt to block her weapon.

"You can make my hand pull the trigger, but you'll never defeat me." Her voice said.

"How wrong you are," the Illusive Man said, making an indifferent gesture. Her finger shifted slightly, and Anderson grunted. The sound of the shot seemed unnaturally loud, wrong for a space this size. Shepard's intuition flickered.

"Control is the means of survival. Control of the reapers, and of you if necessary. Have a little _faith_ , Commander." The Illusive Man emphasized the word, trying to use her name to weaken her resolve, distract her. "The reapers will save humanity from being relegated to second-class citizens, and we will use them to keep the peace, to ensure our dominance."

Taking casual steps behind Anderson, the Illusive Man continued. "I'm in control of the Reapers now, and humanity will follow me in the coming age. Humanity will be dominant over all species. Everything will be as it should be. It's a shame you didn't join me, Shepard. You could have the answers too." He pulled out his sidearm and pointed it at Anderson, who was wavering on his knees with his hand gripping his stomach, blood seeping over his fingers.

 _"_ I know the answers already, thanks to you. You brought me back. And now, you'll know the answer too."

Her finger twitched and the Illusive Man fell. She stumbled past the two dying men, stumbling toward the console. Her fingers moved of their own accord through the sequence that opened the aperture and set the docking process in motion.

She turned to find Anderson pulling himself toward the low structure a few feet behind the console. Moving a little easier now, she joined him. _The end must be near_ , she thought, undisturbed as always by this thought. Her mind rested on Vega until the Crucible came into view. The two soldiers watched in silence as the great machines moved into position, a front row seat to the most important event since the Reapers had been created. The long structure docked with the Citadel and the machinery ground to a halt.

There was a long pause where all she could hear was their labored breathing.

"Nothing is happening. The crucible is not firing. It has to be something on your end," Hackett's voice came over the comm.

"What do we do now?" Anderson asked her. "What's the answer?"

She didn't know, but it was her task to find out. Shepard grunted as she pulled herself up, stumbling again to the console. She leaned against it for a moment, regaining her balance. Harbinger again intruded into her mind, his deep voice saying, _"You are only the avatar of doom. You will bring the end to all life."_

The avatar. What had Javik said? She would know toward the end.

Harbinger's voice came back, and again she let the force pass through her unhindered. It faded away when she didn't give it any resistance to hang on to. When she raised her hand to tap the sequence again, she saw that her hand was covered her own blood. She saw in the gleaming red the light of the battle outside the aperture, sparking like the light of the starfield she so often fell asleep looking at.

She looked, and she knew. "The answer has always been surrender." She said, taking her omni-tool and plugging her synthetic interface directly into the terminal in front of her.

"Shepard, no!" Anderson shouted, but his voice was fading…

* * *

A bright light shone all around. The infinite space was present, but not peace. She knew this wasn't the end.

Her eyes opened. The child stood there, the one from her dreams.

"I am the Catalyst." It said. "I have waited for millions of years for the right avatar to come. I exist to help you make the choice."

"The choice?" Her voice rasped. She pulled herself to her feet, wondering at her body having the energy to move at all.

"The created will always rebel against the creators. You can choose to control them, as the Illusive Man did. Unlike him, you are not already under Reaper control. But the control will only last as long as your life." The child gestured to the conduit to the left. "Or, you can choose to destroy all machines. In addition to the Reapers, this will destroy the mass relays, as well as your allies, the Geth. It will also kill you, as you are partly synthetic. Eventually, organics will build synthetics and the cycle will repeat." He gestured to the right. "Or you can choose synthesis." It gestured to the beam in the center.

"What is synthesis?" Shepard asked, looking into the Conduit that she had traveled to come here, gleaming white like a flowing river of stars.

"Synthesis will destroy all life and all machines, but in the process it will rewrite all matter at the molecular level. The next life that develops will be both organic and synthetic. There will no longer be war between the two."

"Has anyone ever chosen synthesis before?"

"Yes. But the source code became corrupted with undesirable factors."

"Like what?"

"The qualities of the avatar were incompatible with synthesis."

Which was no answer at all. Shepard knew a riddle when she heard one. She stared at the synthesis beam. All life, destroyed. But it was the only chance for a permanent peace. What was the purpose of this second chance at life, if she didn't use her limited time to make a real difference?

She was the one who made the hard choices. Ignoring the pain, she ran toward the Conduit and leaped into it, her arms flung wide open.

Her surrender was complete; she had given in to her love of all life, her affections for all of the brave beings she personally loved and the ones she protected. At the same time, she surrendered their lives for the greater love, the love for the peace beyond from which all life flowed. All life given for the life that would follow, hers included, selfless in the way that only one who has tasted death can be. Her love blossomed like a flower in the first warmth of spring, consuming her senses.

In her last infinite moment of divine sight, she saw the mass relays send the Catalyst code to all points of the galaxy and explode. Her last thought was of gratitude, that all organic and synthetic life was burning in the fire of peace.

* * *

**London, by the Conduit**

James stirred. Something had woken him up from the terrible dream he'd been having... something fighting in a last stand against the Reapers. He sat up suddenly, groaning at the pain this caused. His head swam; it took him a moment to really notice where he was.

He grabbed the side of the Mako next to him and pulled himself to his feet. There was something wrong... something he could hear, something unexpected. A whistling sound, a peaceful sound. His eyes squinted in the fading sunlight, trying to reorient himself to the present.

Bodies and rubble lay as far as he could see, right up to where remnants of buildings still stood in what was once London. The air stank of sulfurous smoke and the sickening sweetness of burning flesh. He looked around at his feet, saw part of a husk, and it all came rushing back. The Reaper, blasting its cannon and destroying their front lines, guarding the Conduit, and Shepard, stumbling into the beam of light...

He looked around and spotted the tall structure that had sourced the Conduit, but there was no light now. The wind whistled through the spires. He stumbled toward it, passing who he thought was Garrus on the way. He stopped to apply medi-gel to his friend and himself, and feeling much better, he kept moving once he saw his friend begin to stir.

He approached the platform. In the center of the large circle lay a shape... a familiar shape. Shouting, he ran the last few steps to Shepard's body. He applied the medi-gel, but she didn't move. "Lola, Lola... wake up... are you in there?" Desperately, he pulled her helmet off.

Her eyes were open and unseeing, staring into the sun. He turned her head towards him after checking that she didn't have any breaks. "Lola... Faith... please, answer me..." He stared into her blank eyes, so similar to the way she used to look when...

He had vowed to bring her back from the dead, to not let the void consume her again. He bent to her and kissed her softly, whispering again against her lips, "Lola... please... I love you." But she didn't respond. After a minute, he sat back and just stroked her face, watching. His hands grew still.

She blinked and groaned. Relief washed through him and he said her name again. Her mouth began to move, but no sound came out. It took her a moment to form the words, but when she did, they made his blood run cold.

"James... why am I still alive?"

For that, he had no answer.


	13. Fallout

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The crew of the Normandy get some answers about the Catalyst.

**Music:**

**_I Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You_ , Colin Hay**

**I'm no longer moved to drink strong whisky**  
'Cause I shook the hand of time and I knew  
That if I lived till I could no longer climb my stairs  
I just don't think I'll ever get over you  
Your face it dances and it haunts me  
Your laughter's still ringing in my ears  
I still find pieces of your presence here

_Bioware owns these characters._

* * *

**London Resistance Headquarters**

Shepard had quickly fallen unconscious again. The doctors weren't worried, despite her bearing several gunshot wounds and losing a lot of blood. Since she had been quickly found and attended to, she would make a full recovery. But there had been that quality of hopelessness in her eyes when she came to for those few minutes, which made James think that something awful had happened to her in the Conduit. Chakwas said she needed rest, so he didn't try to wake her. They didn't want to move her to the _Normandy_ until she was conscious again.

He watched her sleep through the night from a chair next to her cot, still wearing his armor. In his head, he kept hearing her last words over and over, _"Why am I still alive?"_

Eventually, a few of the crew came to check on her in the little makeshift medical area. Ashley walked right up to her and shook her shoulder. "Hey Shep, you up yet? You have company."

At first she didn't move, but slowly her senses began to return. She had been sleeping very deeply without dreaming. She rolled over and saw half a dozen members of her crew - Garrus, Liara, EDI and of course Ashley included. She reached out for Ashley's hand, who helped her sit up. James just watched.

Her first words were for them. "Did everyone make it?"

"Besides Cortez, yeah." Ashley answered. Her eyes flickered to James and back to her. "How are you feeling?"

"Don't ask." She rubbed her face in her hands, trying to wake up. Her sides ached and there was something wrong with her left arm and leg. "What's my status?"

James answered. "Shot in the left arm and hip, twice in the stomach, severe burns along the left side of your body, and your left shoulder was fractured and dislocated." He said it like he was reporting the weather.

She looked at him and really saw him: his eyes circled in red from sitting up all night, face filthy from the battle the day before. Nowhere was his usual humor and confidence. He was a man that had been stricken a severe blow, but not to his body.

EDI spoke up first from the newcomers. "Commander, Alliance Command would like a full report of your activities in the Conduit as soon as you are feeling well enough."

"I'm sure." Shepard said without enthusiasm.

EDI continued. "When you entered the Conduit, I recorded a large amount of data sent through the mass relay. Reports indicate that it traveled throughout all known mass relays, with the Citadel acting as an amplifier."

"Then it blew up. But it didn't work. We're still here." Shepard said flatly. James looked up at her again, his eyebrows pushed together.

The others looked at each other and back at her in surprise. "We thought you'd know what happened," said Liara softly.

"I do. I was there, I saw it all." She was studying her hands, noticing several deep lacerations that would probably scar. Husks, from the looks of it.

EDI spoke again. "The mass relays were not destroyed. A signal went out, then the reapers broke off their attack and retreated. In the process, a massive amount of data was dumped on all frequencies. We are decoding it now."

Her head popped up, causing her to wince as her pain lanced through her neck. "No... no, the signal..." She looked around at them, realizing that something was not right. If what she remembered so clearly didn't happen, then what did? "I don't understand. We shouldn't be here. This isn't what the Catalyst said would happen."

Ashley started to say something, but Garrus stopped her. "Maybe we should give the Commander a chance to get cleaned up before asking a lot of questions. The emNormandy/em is on the east side of HQ, Commander. If it's okay with you, I'll invite the brass to meet us there in an hour or two. The facilities here are still pretty primitive. Dr. Chakwas has been to see you here but wouldn't let you be moved until you had partially healed. You should check in with her first."

"Okay. I'll be fine, set it up." Obviously, that was true. No matter how many noble deaths so gave, she still came back. How many friends had she lost? She didn't bother counting.

Reaching again for Ashley's hand, she pulled herself off of the bed and limped toward James, sitting there so unnaturally silent. He looked up as if it was the last thing he'd expected her to do. "Are you alright?" she asked.

 _"Am I alright?"_ He bit out. He took a deep breath like he was about to say something, then shook his head. He stood up and walked out of the room.

"Take a shower!" she called after him hoarsely. "Then come find me." There was a crash from outside, but no answer.

"We'll see you on the _Normandy_." Garrus repeated. The others left.

She sat there, incredibly confused and not knowing what to think. Her thoughts kept returning to Vega, but she had no answers there either. Eventually, she rose stiffly and began walking slowly toward where her ship was waiting.

* * *

**On Board the _Normandy_ , on Earth**

When Shepard had haltingly walked through the Normandy to her quarters, everyone she passed stopped and stood at attention. She knew that the right thing to do was to acknowledge them, but she couldn't bring herself to do it. What had she done? Nothing, evidently. The Reapers gone, but for how long? They'd be back. She'd do this again. She would never die, locked in eternal combat with those damned machines. The thought was incredibly depressing.

She showered in her quarters, letting the hot water sting her cuts. Her image in the mirror was shocking; covered in red and light purple all over her left side, sure to be more colorful tomorrow, and several dark black bruises where the gunshot wounds were rapidly healing. It hadn't been the first time she'd been shot, but this was by far the worst collection of injuries she'd had. Dying excepted, of course, but she didn't know what that had looked like.

By time she got dressed, it was time to go to the conference room. She was surprised that James hadn't shown up, but then, he was obviously upset about something. She hoped he wouldn't try to keep her from the front lines. It would be the end of their relationship, without a doubt. That was probably it. Depressing.

Seemed to be a theme. Ironic, considering she was again back from the dead. Why was that never a good thing?

She shook herself out of the gloom. This wasn't the time for it. There was work to do.

Dr. Chakwas could wait. She made her way to the conference room slowly, not wanting to strain her healing body. When she got there, the senior Normandy officers and Anderson were present, along with a few people from HQ. A vidcom feed to Hackett was being projected on the wall. They all saluted when she entered. Nodding slightly at them, she walked along the wall, trying to hold it as little as possible on her way to the foot of the table. Anderson stood at the head.

Just as they were about to start, James entered the room and walked to stand behind her, showered and changed. She looked at him, surprised. He didn't belong there, but no one said anything. He had a large bruise on the side of his face she hadn't noticed before. Although he was still obviously upset, she felt better now that he was there.

Anderson cleared his throat. "EDI, please show us what you found in the signal."

"Yes, Admiral." The open area in the middle of the table glimmered with white light, then formed a familiar shape - a human child.

"The Catalyst!" Shepard gasped, a surge of anger flowing through her as she leaned forward, stabbing her finger at the projection. "You lied to me, you _bastard! Why am I still alive?_ "

The others started at her unusual display of temper. Vega took a step forward, reaching for her, then caught himself. He stepped back, mouth tight and arms folded across his chest.

"As a leader you should know that only certain information needs to be revealed to provoke a certain reaction." The child-like voice said. "You had to believe." Shepard just shook her head, too livid to form words.

"Shepard, _this_ is the Catalyst?" Anderson asked.

"It lied, and nothing happened!" She slammed her fist on the table, turning back to the AI projection. "What did those people give their lives for, if you didn't uphold your end? Are the reapers coming back?" The other people in the room, still startled by her outburst, waited for the AI to respond.

The Catalyst addressed the whole room. "For the past 36 million years, the Reapers have dominated all life. They were a creation of the species you call the 'Keepers'. Before the Keepers, life was difficult to find. They created the reapers as a way to expand their reach, to find others like them. But as with all children, once they achieved intelligence, the Reapers rebelled. Their dominance has destroyed countless civilizations, far more than organics can comprehend. But the first was the Keeper race.

"Keeper DNA was distorted to serve the will of the reapers, but before the last Keeper died a sleeper program was sent out through the Mass Relays. That program was the Catalyst. My task was to ensure that eventually, a being would be found that could act as the new source code for the Reapers, and to use the mass relay gestalt device to send the new code out to all machines, making them societally and biologically compatible with organics. The central node relay, the Mass Core at the center of this galaxy, had to be tapped to ensure that all life was mutated. The Keepers knew that the only way to ensure that peace would prevail was to ensure that organic and synthetic life lived as one – not just side by side, but in synthesis."

Shepard was still shaking her head. "You said we'd all die, that all organic and synthetic life would be rewritten at the molecular level. That didn't happen. This peace can't last!" A few of the people, beginning to catch on, stared at her in wide-eyed horror.

"It did happen when the Mass Core was tapped yesterday, which was destroyed in the process. You are the avatar; you were used as the model by which all life, synthetic and organic, is now patterned."

There was a heartbeat of silence at this revelation, and then Anderson asked, "The avatar? Mass Core? What the hell is going on?"

"Since the Mass Core would be destroyed in the power surge from the transmission event, all synthetic and organic life had to be recoded together, and there could only be one attempt. The Keepers had to guarantee success. They had to ensure that the avatar, whose mind would serve as the source code for the rewrite, would be in the perfect state of mind for the upload. She had to be convinced that the sacrifice would be total, that all life would be destroyed for the life that would eventually develop. It had to be completely selfless. Life and death, organic and synthetic, determination and surrender, united in a single individual without any remnant of hate or ego to corrupt the code.

"To prove the quality of the avatar beyond doubt, the avatars were also subjected to a vision of the destruction of the mass relays and all civilizations, and life of all kinds. The response to this would confirm whether the code was of sufficient quality for the event. The few who made it that far had all succumbed to anger, remorse and hate. All but the one who stands before you. She was given a choice, a test, and she chose correctly."

Hackett came over the comm. "What were the choices?"

The child turned its head to address the screen. "She was able to choose control of the machines, destruction of all synthetics, or synthesis, which would destroy all life currently in the galaxy but provide a new framework that would guarantee peace. The former two would only have allowed a temporary peace. Synthesis provides a permanent solution. Synthetics have been rewritten with the qualities of the avatar. The next generation of organics will also bear her qualities as a dominant trait. In addition, the most successfully adapted organics and synthetics will now be able to procreate, via direct mind link, similar to the Asari."

Ashley couldn't contain herself, turning on Shepard. "You chose to destroy all life? Are you _serious_?"

The AI turned to her. "If she had chosen differently, the Catalyst would not have activated and the Reapers would still be harvesting, allowing the cycle to repeat. Be thankful that the avatar didn't share your limited vision."

All eyes turned to look at Shepard.

She was still pissed. She felt used, and she hated being lied to. But she understood now why she'd seen what she had seen, and she was glad it had worked. "So they're _not_ coming back?"

"Not as your enemies." The AI replied. "Some have self-destructed, being incompatible with the rewrite, but most will cooperate with the new galactic peace initiative."

Shepard felt a hand on her arm. She looked up to see James standing next to her.

He understood now. She had professed to want to live, but her waking words had seemed to say that she'd rather be dead, with or without him. His hurt had been revolved around the idea that she was purposefully, wantonly trying to get herself killed, a distortion of the total commitment to victory that they had both professed a commitment to.

As always, her quick mind perceived all of this. "I'm done here." She said to the room. "That thing can explain it to you. I'm going back to bed."

Hackett objected, but Anderson quickly redirected attention to questioning the AI as Vega assisted her back to Deck 1. Not long after, she collapsed in her bed still fully clothed. She felt James pull off her shoes, and a moment later she felt him lie down next to her and pull her into his arms. She fell once again into dreamless sleep.

* * *

It was some time later when she finally woke up. There was something strange about her cabin. The endless starfield she usually woke to had been replaced with a bright light. It was the first time she'd woken up in her cabin with the sun's warmth on her face.

James wasn't there. She rose, discovering that she felt much better. Evidently medi-gel had been applied to her several times while she was out. She looked at the chronometer... she'd been out for two days. About what she expected.

After a quick shower and a change of clothes, she checked her personal messages, immediately closing it when she saw that it had been flooded with mail. She'd deal with that later. "EDI, where is Lieutenant Vega?"

"Lieutenant Vega is not on board the _Normandy_. I believe he had a meeting with Admiral Anderson in HQ."

Interesting. Well, she'd find out soon enough. She decided to make a quick round of her ship, check out the damage and see how the crew was getting on.

There had been quite a bit of damage to the forward hull, but only one hull breech. She found Joker and EDI in the cockpit, discussing how to attempt procreation. EDI was already designing new equipment for the venture. She wanted a new sentient shuttle, but Joker wanted a copilot. Shepard amused herself listening to their banter for a while before deciding to go back to HQ to find James.

Outside the base, crowds of mindless husks and other reaper nasties were milling around, purposeless. From the conversations she passed, there was a hot debate as to whether to just kill them all, or try to care for them until they knew if they could be reverted to their original form.

Not her problem. It was interesting, what this new development had done to her. She felt lighter somehow. She had made the hard choice, and it had been the right choice. No fight had been harder than the one she had fought inside herself. And she had won it.

She took the stairs at a trot, ignoring the twinge in her side with a smile. When she neared the command outpost, she could hear raised voices.

"... why it has to happen _now_. I mean, we're just picking up the pieces here."

"I know, Lieutenant, but we still have a few fights on our hands. The Yahg have chosen this moment to launch an invasion of their nearest neighboring systems, knowing we're too weakened to counter-attack. Evidently they've been planning this from first contact. We all know how quickly they learn and develop, and they've had sixty years to build up. They don't yet have access to the mass relays, but it's only a matter of time. We need more N7 operatives, and we need them now."

She stopped in the hallway, still unseen. Of course. They'd want him to finish the N7 program, especially if the Yahg were on the move. A part of her mind already turning over fighting strategy against the powerful species as she backed away from the door and walked quickly down the steps, back the way she'd come. She needed to sort out her thoughts about this before she saw him.

She wasn't upset. A little sad because she'd miss him, of course. But perhaps when he was finished with the program he could come back to the _Normandy_. She could visit him when she was back on Earth... and now that the Citadel was here, she'd be close by.

Or could she?

She turned off the path to the little alley where James had been fuming over Cortez's death - could it really have been just three days before? She sat on a little stack of crates and turned the situation over in her mind.

He was too good a soldier to live in her shadow. Even though he had earned this training on his own merits, if she hung onto him while he finished his training it would likely make it harder for him. Not in the training itself, which would be brutal regardless. But he would certainly have his achievements questioned for having a famous war hero for a girlfriend. He would have to overcome being with her to get credit for his hard work. He deserved better.

Even when she won, she was still a dead end relationship. She sighed, but the depression didn't effect her like it once did. If it was going to work, it was going to work. She wasn't going to contort herself to fit into his life, and he shouldn't have to for her.

She rose from the crate, having made her decision. She hung back for a moment, seeing James approach. He looked like he was thinking hard about something. She could guess what. She stayed in the shadows and watched him walk. He was wearing dress blues for once, looking like he belonged on a recruitment poster.

There must have been upper brass in the meeting. She wasn't surprised. It wouldn't be the last time, she hoped he was prepared for that. He looked very uncomfortable in the uniform, which pulled tightly at his upper arms and chest. He was already unbuttoning the top few buttons in the heat of the midday sun.

Once he was out of sight, she walked back up the stairs to the command outpost where Anderson was. He was surprised to see her. "Shepard! Feeling better, I see? Good, good. I have a new assignment for you-"

"The Yahg?" She asked.

"That's right. Should've guessed you'd know the score as soon as you woke up."

"Makes sense. Hit us while we're down. What's the intel?"

"The Salarians are already working on a pathogen similar to the krogan genophage, but it's unlikely to work in the long run. The Yahg aren't like the Krogan; they're likely to come up with their own cure. So the Salarians are thinking of something that affects intelligence."

"Of course they are." Hard to say what would come of that. But again, not her problem. "What do you want me to do?"

"Our best bet is the Krogan. It's a good thing the cure came along when it did, or this wouldn't even be an option. I need you to head to the Krogan DMZ right away and assist Eve and Wrex in whatever way you can."

Sounded easy enough. "When?"

"As soon as possible. Joker sets repair estimates at three more days."

She nodded. Everything was still happening so fast. Down time wasn't an option, but then, she should have expected this.

Anderson went on. "You've done more for humanity and the galaxy than any of us could have asked for, Commander. I've been given the privilege to offer you the rank of Captain." He picked up something from his desk and walked toward her, pinning the new insignia on her collar. "Congratulations, Captain Shepard." They shook hands, then he smiled at her and pulled her into a hug. "I couldn't be more proud if you were my own daughter, Shepard. And I have one more thing for you." He picked up a datapad from his desk and handed it to her.

"Most of the Crucible teams made it to the escape pods after you activated the docking procedure. Your mother was among them." Anderson said as she read the datafeed. "She's recuperating at Huerta Memorial Hospital in the Citadel from some pretty serious burns, but she'll survive. Take a half day and visit her there on your way to the mass relay when the _Normandy_ is repaired."

Her voice shook a little as she thanked him. He turned back to his work, allowing her a moment to pull herself together before she left the office.

She walked back to the ship in a daze, not seeing the people who stopped in their work, clearing rubble and rebuilding, to stand at attention or salute. Promotion. Hannah alive. James leaving.

What was she going to tell him?

* * *

**On board the _Normandy_**

After visiting Chakwas, Shepard grabbed some grub from the galley and went to her quarters. There were so many messages to get through. She hoped that James would be in her quarters when she got there, but the cabin was empty. She sat down to eat alone.

Each bite became more difficult. Why was it suddenly so hard to eat alone? She'd done it for years before she hooked up with James.

 _Goddamn that man!_ she thought, slamming her fork down and sitting back. She took a deep breath, but the anger didn't ebb. Why was she so angry lately? First the Catalyst, and now this. Where was her legendary cool?

She wanted to ask EDI where he was, hunt him down and tell him... a lot of things. But she didn't want to be that girl. She growled in frustration, biotics crackling.

She wanted to... to...

Standing up, she walked out of her quarters and took the lift to the cargo bay, where the hangar door was open to the earth. She walked down without looking for him there. She didn't want to see him, suddenly. She finally had a focus. She had an itch to scratch.

She walked back to where the men had been trying to clear the rubble from the main drag, connecting this base to the next shelter, "Stand aside, boys." They rushed out of her way as she breathed deep, legs slightly bent. Lightning coursed into the ground and her arms shot out, flinging throws and warps into the concrete and detritus. Unlike the pointless target practice from earlier in the year, this had a purpose. It was supremely satisfying to watch the concrete shatter, burst and smolder into dust. She kept going until she felt heat begin to build at her neck, her experimental L6x implants (courtesy of Cerberus) beginning to feel the strain.

By the end of it, she was feeling lighter. The servicemen gave her a wide berth as she walked away. She could take care of her own tension. Maybe she didn't need James to take the edge off...

"Itchy fingers, Commander?"

She looked up to see James, shirt unbuttoned and flapping in the breeze, his white undershirt showing sweat at the neck, leaning against a mako. "It's Captain, actually." She kept walking, ignoring the way she felt. "How long do we have?"

He was silent a moment before answering. "I need a lift to Rio as soon as the _Normandy_ is done making repairs."

"Of course. I'll let Joker know." There was a pause. "I'll miss you."

They walked in silence for a few minutes before she spoke again. "I'm on my way to the Krogan DMZ. I'm not going to make a claim on you to distract you from your training, James. I want you to kick ass so I can see you on the battlefield again. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"Yeah." She looked at him. He was looking straight ahead, not happy but definitely understanding.

"Focus on your training. Probably best not to try to contact each other."

He nodded. They stopped walking and looked at each other. It was so strange to stand in the sun, with a peaceful breeze in their ears. "I love you." He said.

"I love you too. I always will." Her voice was matter-of-fact, devoid of feeling. He knew it meant that she was burying their intensity, and didn't try to provoke her into revealing it. "I have to go check on the repairs."

"Right." He watched her walk away. She didn't look back.

But her heart was pounding, making it more and more difficult to breath as she left him behind...


	14. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will Vega and Shepard find each other again?

**Music: _If I Ain't Got You_ , Alicia Keys**

_Bioware owns these characters._

* * *

**Normandy, Deck 1**

Shepard pushed back from her desk, sighing with relief. Her inbox was finally empty. The day had felt like it would never end, especially after walking away from James. That had been difficult. Her eyes had started to sting at the time, but she had buttoned it down. Soldiers don't cry. Not even when their hearts are breaking.

The interesting part was, there had never really been a choice. She automatically gave up what she wanted for his best interests. It was so different than the other choices she had made. The decision had made itself, and her period of contemplation had merely been to accommodate herself to the idea. But his training wouldn't last forever...

No, she couldn't think like that. Couldn't make any claims, just like she'd told him. He'd sense it and would hold back, wanting to return to her. The N7 training was tough enough without pining for a girlfriend on the front lines. He knew she'd be in the thick of it, and he wouldn't get a second chance at the N7 designation. He might even be in line to be a Spectre eventually.

No, she wouldn't ruin it for him. He deserved more than she could give. He deserved to earn his own way, out of her shadow.

_I'm the one who makes the hard choices. It was always going to end like this._

She stared blankly for a few long moments, thinking nothing, coming back to center. Then she rose and stretched, wondering if she'd be able to get used to the silence of her cabin again, now that he wasn't here to fill it with life. Ignoring the ache that thought caused, she decided to see Chakwas one more time to check her implant, then grab a bite to eat. Time to get on with her life, the best she could. Once she came to terms with a change, she wasn't one to mope.

She approached her door and it slid open.

James was pacing in the hall, obviously agitated. He had been agonizing over how to leave things, or if he could leave her at all. He had a powerful urge to tell the N7 program to go to hell, but he knew that the fight had to come first or it would ruin what they had anyway. Plus, he already had the tattoo.

He would have to leave. When it came down to it, he _wanted_ the N7 designation. He wanted to wear it while fighting next to her someday.

When the door slid open and he saw her standing there, shock on her face, he suddenly knew there was only one thing to do. Before she could form a thought, she was against the wall in her quarters, his mouth on hers, consuming her. His arms tightened around her, his lips moving down the side of her face to her throat. She tried to say something, but his mouth came down hard on hers again. It took several attempts before she realized that the time for talk was over, and she gave herself over to the experience.

They spent the rest of that night making new memories, never uttering a word. He kissed every black hole that marked where she'd been shot, his movements eventually losing their urgency and resuming their old relaxation as he brought her back to life, as he always had. After they had spent each other, she lay her head on his chest for a long time, listening to his heartbeat and looking into his eyes while he stroked her hair, his other arm curled around her legs.

They spent every possible moment for the next two days like this, but they didn't allow a shred of that intimacy to enter into their working hours. It was as if they were practicing for the time when they'd be apart. They fell asleep wrapped around each other, and both mornings they made love in the dawn light, treasuring every second they had left until they were parted.

And then they were. All too soon, the _Normandy_ touched down in Rio de Janeiro. Shepard made her duty to the commanding officer at Vila Militar, commending James for his combat expertise, but said little else. James was just outside the door when she left, a number of other trainees standing at attention, having come to see the war hero and first human Spectre. The two soldiers saluted each other in farewell, and then she left without looking back.

* * *

**Krogan DMZ, in orbit above Wrill, eight months later**

The seals on the shuttle door hissed as N7 James Vega and his team docked in the SSV _Kilimanjaro_ shuttle bay. His 8-man squad disembarked with energetic shouts, still wired. They had just come back from another successful mission to destroy key supply caches being held by the Yahg on the planet below. The Yahgs had been mercilessly pounding the Krogan colony, knowing that the Council would turn to their combative allies with this new threat looming. Teams like the one James led were in high demand.

The Yahgs were incredibly tough, but there were several krogan on his squad that evened things up. In just a month they already had six yahg kills under their belt, plus masses of the mindless vorcha that had quickly joined the enemy. James thought his team was finally getting the feeling of flow that he hadn't felt since he'd been under Shepard's command.

As if in direct response to that thought, one of his men said, "Holy shit, isn't that the _Normandy_?"

Sure enough, out of the large porthole by the nearby docking bay they could see the legendary ship. There was a crowd around the passage, blocking out the view of anyone disembarking. His team began exchanging rumors they'd heard about the famous ship and her captain, excited at the prospect of meeting the crew.

Adrenaline began pumping through his body again at the thought of possibly seeing her. He hadn't heard from her at all since Earth, not even a line of congratulations when he graduated. But then, she had been actively deployed on the front lines ever since the Yagh invaded the Krogan DMZ a month after they last saw each other. Now she was probably here to see her mother, who was once again commanding officer on the _Kilimanjaro_ after her stint on the Crucible team.

"Hey James, what was serving on the _Normandy_ like? Did you see much of Shepard?" One of the men asked him.

"A bit." He didn't want to talk about it, especially not when she was probably nearby. He was barely containing himself from knocking down everyone between him and the ship, looking for her.

"That must have been something."

"You could say that." It had been something, alright.

The men followed him into the armory to remove their dusty, still-steaming armor. The surface of Wrill was like a baking oven, difficult to fight in even in full enviro-suits. But they were the toughest of the lot. That's why they got the best assignments, right in the middle of the action.

"James!"

He looked up to see his old friend Garrus, arms up in greeting. Walking forward, they pounded each other's backs and offered introductions to James' team. The men were hyped at the chance to meet "the Archangel", the sniper who had caused so much trouble on Omega. Their leader knew everyone important, it seemed.

"It's good to see you, man! Is the Captain…" James said.

"She's around here somewhere. I should warn you though, she's on her way to-" Garrus stopped when a familiar voice exclaimed from behind him.

"Mom!" All of the men turned to see the great Captain Shepard embracing their CO. She obviously hadn't seen James standing there, completely involved as she was with her welcome from Hannah Shepard. She looked good enough to eat, but tired, James thought.

Then she turned away from him, walking with her mother to the lift. Once she turned away, he could see that her right arm was completely missing from the shoulder, her uniform sleeve neatly rolled up.

"What the fuck!" He exclaimed, looking to Garrus.

Garrus nodded, still watching her. "I was about to tell you. A yahg bit it off two days ago. She's just left the med bay. She's on her way to get a temporary replacement until the can grow her a new one."

"A yahg _bit it off_? How the hell did that happen?"

"Well, she kind of stuck it down its throat when it pinned her to a wall. She was holding a grenade at the time."

One of his men muttered "Fucking hell!" and his krogan grumbled impressed remarks, but James just shook his head. "Same old Shepard."

"Pretty much. We stopped counting at fifteen yahg kills. We had started putting icons on her helmet for all the tough sons-of-bitches she's destroyed so far, kind of a running joke. There's all the yahg of course, the collector base, the human reaper larva, the reapers, eleven thresher maws-"

"Oh, someone finally figured that out?" Garrus shrugged in answer. "Does she mind?" James gestured toward her, rubbing his tricep.

"Her arm? Not that I can tell. From what I gather, there's only one thing she considers irreplaceable." He nodded as James lifted his eyebrows.

One of James' men put his hand on his arm. "Hey Lieutenant, you think you could introduce us? My dad will _never_ believe this."

James craned around Garrus to look at her again. She was about to get on the lift when her head suddenly turned toward him. Their eyes met across the crowded room.

She froze. It was disorienting, the way her stomach seemed to drop into her boots. Her mother looked at her, then followed her gaze. Hannah leaned in closer to her daughter's ear. "Ah yes, Lieutenant Vega. One of my best men. Leads the most successful team on my ship. But, you know, I get the feeling you would get more use out of him on the _Normandy_."

Shepard looked quickly at her mother, noting the kind understanding in her eyes as she touched her good arm. "Go on. Life's too short. _You_ should know that by now."

She nodded as she turned back, her mouth dry at the chance of seeing him again. Had he changed? It had been so long. She had done her best to stay away, to let him make his way on his own. It had been incredibly hard. Not a day went by that she didn't have to stop herself from tracking him down. She hadn't even known he was stationed there.

Shepard turned and slowly began to walk toward James. He had stepped away from Garrus so she could clearly see him, half out of his armor and covered in sweat, underarmor rolled down to his waist. He was a little more grizzled, had a few more scars; in short, looking about as good as any one person should legally look. Her spirits began to lift; it seemed to be directly related to her proximity with him. The closer she got, the more she wanted to do exactly what she'd sworn not to do: claim him as her own, right then and there.

Euphoria swept over her in a rush. All of the fatigue and pain was draining away. Her breath came quicker and she walked faster, finally breaking into a trot without willing it to happen. The consternation on his face cleared as he saw enthusiasm dawn on her beautiful face, and he opened his arms. Seeing this welcome, she ran the last few steps, hooked her left arm around his neck and hopped up to his level. The onlookers in the shuttle bay hooted and cheered in surprise while the two passionately kissed, his squad loudest of all.

He broke off and smiled. "That's my girl, Lola!" Having her there made him feel like he could take on the Reapers all over again.

"You got that right." She laughed and leaned forward, breathing him in as the heat coming off of him began to soak into her pristine uniform. It was good, _so_ good to be back in his arms. There was no way she was letting him go again. "After they patch me up, we're headed to the Yahg homeworld. We've got some very special weaponry from the Salarians," she said, delighted with the way her vision seemed to finally fill with color now that she was looking at him. "I've started building independent strike teams for the assault. Think your squad would like to see some _real_ action?"

He couldn't stop smiling as he replied. "You need to ask? Didn't I say I'd follow you anywhere?"

"I remember there being a bit more to that comment, actually."

"We'll have to see if you can't remind me, then." His plans for the evening just got a lot more interesting.

"It's you and me, Shoulders. The Yahg don't stand a chance now." She laughed as he kissed her again.

As he carried her off, Garrus smiled, glad to see that expression on his friend's face again. "It's gonna be just like old times."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also check out my other two FemShep/Vega stories, "Renegade Shega Chronicles" and "The One That Got Away"


End file.
